As the season finale opens three days before D Day, it seems the usual meltdowns and hijinks have been ditched in favour of manufactured gravitas.
We can still rely on Alex and Zoe to lighten the mood with their playful banter on the 12-seater recliner and his gift to her of beribboned Ugg boots, but most of the show is angst-ridden newlyweds wondering whether they should continue their month-long mock-marriages.
With pensive beachside shots and soulful piano music, everything is pregnant with meaning (or pregnant with baby if we can believe the current rumours swirling around Clare and Zoe).
It’s a “radical new social experiment”, we’re told yet again, with serious lifelong consequences.
After going AWOL for the past two episodes, Michelle and James finally get some airtime.
Apparently the couple has enjoyed four weeks of marital bliss – none of which we have witnessed – but now they have hit their first hurdle with James cracking the sads and going incommunicado for days.
When he finally reappears, there’s an awkward dinner and even worse pillow talk. Candles and massage oils sit on the bedhead as signifiers of happier days, as each asks the other what’s wrong.
“Are you going to roll over now?” asks James, and Michelle replies, “I’m too tired too roll.” She also happens to be wearing a hoodie to bed, which suggests they won’t be breaking out the massage oil any time soon.
We cut to the portaloo and the music lifts, which can only mean one thing: we’re back to the Hornbags. Alex gives Zoe the Uggs and the deal is sealed. “If this isn’t love, then I’ll have it, whatever it is,” says Zoe.
The morning she has to leave, Zoe hums Mendelssohn’s Wedding March, Alex’s dog belts the door open to give her one last goodbye, and Alex carries his pseudo-wife to the cab, Zoe clutching their wedding photo. These two are in the bag.
But we still can’t be sure about Clare and Lachlan. On packing day there’s a flash of Lachlan’s well-worn condom box, and there’s even a montage of their alarmingly slurpy snogs, but the pair have a track record of ripper arguments. Clare tells us their fights have been “learning opportunities to make us even better”, but Lachlan doesn’t seem to believe the same spin.
On Decision Day, with Roni and Michael already broken up, the three remaining couples arrive somewhat sacrilegiously at a sandstone church to tell the show’s experts whether they intend to commit or split.
Alex and Zoe are up first and, although the producers do their best to create some tension – with Zoe’s nail-biting and Alex’s “I’m sorry [agonising pause] … but you’re going to have to put up with me for a little bit longer” – it’s a definite yes from both. They’ve even decided they want to adopt kids. “Communication is the key,” says Alex, “and I think that’s what we do best.”
Unlike Michelle and James. Despite their initial chemistry, James’s sulking in the past week seems to have prompted a late-breaking backflip from Michelle. And yet James walks into the church with unwarrantable self-confidence. “I’m 99.9 per cent sure that Michelle feels the same as I,” he says – and all the experts look uneasy.
As Michelle arrives, she tells us, “I’m excited that it’s coming to an end today so that I can move forward with my life.” (True to her word, she has since moved forward in spectacular fashion, with a speedy marriage to ex-flame Rob Worsley in December.)
But this is a year ago, and this is reality TV, which means that contestants have to be set up for maximum humiliation, so James is asked to declare his hand first. “I’m starting to fall in love with Michelle,” he says.
At this point, it seems Michelle’s niceness gets the better of her and she decides she can’t bludgeon Bambi on national television, so she pikes out and agrees to continue with the relationship.
When it’s Clare and Lachlan’s turn, they both decide to commit – and when we catch up with all the couples two months later, the pair are still together. Apparently right at home on the farm, Clare dons her (suspiciously clean) gumboots and practises her cow calls, while Lachlan declares her “the dream woman”.
James and Michelle, though, are over. James has grown a beard and seems gutted. “She said she loves me, but she’s not in love with me anymore,” he says.
Meanwhile, Alex and Zoe are still going strong and have even added a “fur baby” to their family: dog Winston. Marriage and human babies seem assured. “I don’t think it can get any better than Zoe,” says Alex. “I think I’m done. I think I’m punching above my weight as it is, so just lock it down.”
Alex and Zoe agree the experts got it right – even if their partner isn’t what they would have ordered. “It’s a crazy, crazy thing to do but that’s what love is,” says Alex. “You’ve got to step outside the box – and look what happens when you do. It’s a fairy tale with a happy ending.”
And ratings to match. With a 50 per cent success rate, maybe this experiment is a better option for singles than RSVP (with the added bonus of some fleeting E-grade celebrity). That alone should be enough to kick off an avalanche of applications for season two. Bring on the next batch of guinea pigs.
