Almost two weeks into “the experiment” and it’s all about Alex and Zoe’s sexual supremacy.
The turning point seems to be Zoe’s arrival in the living room toting a basket of fresh laundry.
“There’s something really hot about this,” says Alex.
Zoe, who appears to be a selective feminist, in turn is warming to the idea of a bit of rough tradie.
She dons stilettos and a high-vis vest – even though “fluoro’s not really in this winter” – for bring-a-wife-to-work day.
As she sinks into the mud, plumber Alex describes his job as delivering sewage to “poo heaven”, yet even that doesn’t deter the new easy-going Zoe.
She declares men in machinery a turn-on and Alex offers to make videos of himself driving earthmoving equipment as a marital aid.
Their spark is confirmed by a shrink who counsels us on the perils of “mismatched libidos.”
Zoe tells Alex a healthy relationship requires sex four to five times a week.
“Wow, I was hovering around the two to three,” says Alex, all but air-punching. “I didn’t know I was married to a hornbag!”
Meanwhile, Roni bravely soldiers on, ironing bed sheets and toasting crumpets in her jim-jams while Michael goes out with his mates and shares his reservations (with the nation).
After he gets home, Roni urges him to open up and he makes some perfunctory comments about letting things develop.
Somehow she thinks they’re back on track.
He explains, “I’ve never been the type of person who can jump into a relationship quickly” – prompting us all to wonder why he’s on a show called Married at First Sight.
Next up is the dinner party, bringing all four couples together in Sydney.
The experts earnestly tell us it’s an opportunity for them to “self-compare”, but we all know it’s really a chance to get them turped and see if the fur will fly.
Hornbag 1 and Hornbag 2 want to stir the pot. Zoe imagines it will be like The Hunger Games and they will emerge the Victors; Alex vows to “make them cry”.
Halfway through and we’ve still seen nothing of Michelle and James, proving yet again that “nice” does not make compelling television.
For a while it seems they’ve been written out of the show, but then the improbably good-looking Michelle turns up in a faux-plunging (funging?) dress with Tonya Harding modesty mesh.
She says she doesn’t kiss and tell, but it transpires that even the boring couple is bonking, leaving Roni and Michael as the only ones not getting lucky.
Amid much knee-squeezing and finger entwinement from the other couples, Roni is asked what she and Michael have in common.
“He pulls tomatoes out of his sandwiches, and I’ve been known to do that,” she says.
Marriages have been built on less, but Roni’s insecurities hit siren level and she lashes out at Zoe.
When she storms off, we fear she may weep in private, but a cameraman mercifully joins her and we’re treated to a bathroom breakdown.
Tired and emotional, she tells Australia that she and Michael “have a couple of issues” but she has “faith that he will sweep me off my feet” – earning a special commendation for optimism.
Later, she says, “I don’t know what my gut feeling is about me and Michael”, by which she means she does – and they’re doomed.
After dinner the couples divide down gender lines, the men retreating to the pool room.
Michael tells his acquaintances that he’s never seen his wife’s “aggro” and adds, “I didn’t find that very attractive”.
Lachlan gingerly asks the blokes about “intimacy” and Alex gallantly steps up to the plate: “We had sex on the second night.”
Apparently his biggest wedding-day quandary was about the kissing: “Am I going to go French or major French?”
Lachlan and Clare at their wedding
Speaking of which, Clare and Lachlan have a few sly pashes in the kitchen, but we know the peace can’t last.
Farmer Lachlan has been trying to run his property and remotely birth 200 calves from Clare’s city apartment for the past month, but Clare decides they should ditch his nephew’s birthday celebrations to paint sets for her amateur theatre production.
“It’s continual compromise,” she says – meaning Lachlan has to continually compromise.
When he finally questions the unfairness of it all, her lip quivers.
Remorse, perhaps? But no. Screaming and gratuitous F-bombs ensue. “What do you want me to do?” she demands, before calling him a “motherfu*ker”.
Lachlan is done: “I’m at my limit now and we need to take a breather.” He drives off into the night and Australia cheers.
Yet another win for train-wreck television.
Married at First Sight will return next Monday on NIne.
