Tonight’s contestant Geordie is a 26-year-old chippy and farmer who’s looking for love. Perhaps not the sharpest tool in the shed, it’s unclear at this early stage if Geordie is aware he’s on Kiss Bang Love, not Farmer Wants A Wife.
Geordie, you sure you’re on the right show?
When he’s not fixing things on the family farm – because family is really important to him and he loves spending time with his family – Geordie spends his time training for Iron Man competitions.
Yep, you guessed it, along with “nervous” and “great”, “family” is getting added to the Kiss Bang Love drinking game list. Play on at your own peril.
Geordie is very comfortable wearing lycra.
To recap the rules of the show, Geordie must kiss 12 girls blindfolded, meet his top five favourites without the blindfold, and take two on overnight dates. He will then take the new love of his life on a mini-break to Noosa.
On hand to offer advice/live vicariously through Geordie, are his friend Michael and brother Lachie.
“Just pretend like you’re in da club.” Wow.
Highlights of this episode’s blindfolded kissing round include business owner and self-confessed “biter” Jessica, who in her very short intro piece to camera, manages to set some serious alarm bells ringing. To say she went in with confidence would be a serious understatement.
Clearly Channel 7 really needs to up their catering budget.
Having finally grasped the premise of the show, Geordie shockingly admits, “She was like, sucking my face!” The brutal realisation that he’s not on Farmer Wants A Wife after all begins to sink in.
Could you just hold still while we wipe that excess saliva away for the next girl?
Our next worthy contender in the pecking (or, let’s be real, pashing) order is 26-year-old Shana, a model-slash-miner. Shana believes her smile is her best asset, though it doesn’t stop her from putting her other ample assets on display.
It’s on between Geordie and Shana who gets the highest score so far of 8.5 out of 10. We hope Geordie’s lack of commitment to full numbers is no indication of his commitment issues in general.
Next up, Shakespeare-spouting actress-slash-model Kayla wins the award for “I don’t know where to put my hands” as she attempts to take Geordie’s temp and check his vitals throughout the kiss.
After suffering through 11 make-out sessions, it’s time for Geordie to meet secret kisser “Brianna”. Brianna is actually Bronwen, a close friend of Geordie’s who was asked to join the show by their mutual friend Michael.
The risky gamble pays off with Bronwen scoring a whopping 9.5 out of 10, and a double fist pump from Geordie.
Victory!
Geordie’s second round of kisses with his top five girls goes relatively smoothly, though nothing has prepared him to see his close friend Bronwen walk through the door…
After recovering from the shock of pashing his bestie twice, Geordie decides it would be a good idea to keep doing it. He chooses Bronwen and Shana to accompany him on the overnight dates.
Geordie and Shana spend the day in active wear riding through Daylesford. They talk about how natural and comfortable they feel with each other while looking very unnatural and uncomfortable.
Once the 24 hours is up, Geordie must love and leave Shana to meet his second date and close friend, Bronwen.
Bronwen and Geordie spend the day in Melbourne swimming in a pool with other people. It’s obviously very romantic.
Despite being a bit nervous about the situation, Bronwen seems like a great girl, with great family values (boom, that sentence will put you under the table). Geordie and Bronwen seem relaxed together and sure, they’ve known each other a long time, but there is still a spark there.
During the final debrief session, Geordie’s brother Lachie and friend Michael help to spell out Geordie’s situation: “You know Bronwen, you know she’s 100% genuine, you know what she wants. And then on the flip side, you’re going for someone that is brand new and a big risk.”
So what does our single guy Geordie do with this sage advice? Ignore it and goes to Noosa with Shana. We get it mate, the lure of a beach holiday with Shana and her assets in a bikini was too strong to resist.
But really Geordie? For the record, we were #TeamBronwen all the way.
For the episode one recap, click here.
This originally appeared on TV Week.
