It’s the morning after the inaugural cocktail party and Laura is in the kitchen regretting the whole, sorry “anal gland” saga.
Blonde brunette Tessa reckons the mansion is a “really weird environment”, which might have something to do with the fact that her 16 housemates want to steal her fictitious boyfriend.
Amid much whooping and table-thumping, Osher arrives brandishing a date card and Sandra is desperate to win some one-on-one time with Sam: “Pleeeease!” she cries.
“Otherwise I’m literally going to go crazy.” But it appears a date invitation can’t save her on that count.
The winner is career girl (“I have huge goals”) and yogi on the grass, Sarah, which comes as a rude shock to Heather, who seems to have forgotten that she’s expected to share the same bloke in a 17-some.
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The Bachelor gets a rock-star welcome from his groupies on the balcony as he arrives on a yacht, and the women proceed to stalk the couple with binoculars as Sarah and Sam sail off into the distance.
There are lots of aerial shots and orchestral music as the pair strip down to bikinis and boardies and Sarah tells Sam she applied for the show after a “crazy dream” about their “amazing connection”.
Sam calls it her “Martin Luther King moment”, which is exactly right – if creating racial equality is the same as bagging a personal trainer.
Sarah comes home for the regulation date debrief and reports on Sam’s pecs.
Then it’s the 11-on-one group date – a magazine photo shoot recreating famous movie scenes.
Snezana scores Bond Girl, while Jasmin is lumped with Baby from Dirty Dancing, hauling a watermelon in a dowdy, home-ec skirt. She’s not happy with the assignment, but fellow Dirty Dancer Sandra continues to cackle like a half-cut stripper.
“Ready to get dirrrty!” she yowls at the hair-and-makeup mirror – and then “Boobies out!” as she grinds into Sam later.
Next up, Sam takes Heather from behind with a mallet in the Great Gatsby croquet scene. On a balcony nearby, Jasmin and Emily are behaving like the grumpy old men from The Muppets.
“She obviously loves the limelight,” snipes one, and they agree Heather’s acting experience gives her an unfair advantage.
A bit like being cast as the pant-less Demi Moore character in the Ghost pottery shoot.
Emily, who assumes position, half-naked, behind the pottery wheel, can’t quite fathom how the Bachelor could pick “hippy” Heather for a white rose over herself, a lover of dining out and day spas: “I’m confused by the whole Heather-Sam scenario.”
That night, with another rose ceremony imminent and bad juju in the air, Jacinda gives us the first breakdown of the series. Her bravado evaporates and Jacinda (who Sam calls “the hurricane”) reveals how insecure she’s feeling.
“I’m too much for everyone,” she says, crying. “I wouldn’t date me.”
Not long afterwards, she’s sprung by Sam, who finds her sobbing and snotting in the lounge room.
It’s not ideal, but it does nab her the first sympathy rose.
Tonight three women have to go and Sandra miraculously survives the cull, most likely after stern warnings from the producers that she has to stay. Tessa, Reshael and Krystal are decreed the losers and, after less than a week in the house, they leave in a flurry of hugs and “I love yous”.
The other women won’t remember their names next week.
