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Extract: the sunday wife

Our Great Read for February is The Sunday Wife by Cassandra King (Allen and Unwin). Look out for it in your local bookshop, bearing the Great Read Sticker!

I ENDED UP AT Grayton Beach because I came to Crystal Springs first. It was three years ago, the first Wednesday in June, that Ben and I moved to the town of Crystal Springs, across the state of Florida from the Jacksonville area where we’d lived for twenty years. With the moving van a few minutes behind us, we pulled our cars, me following Ben-a metaphor for our life together-into the driveway of our new house. We’d moved before, several times, but this was the most momentous one yet. Ben motioned for me to join him before we walked up the brick walkway to the house. A welcoming committee awaited us inside, and I was nervous. A few weeks before, Ben had met with them and won them over; now it was my turn.

“Dean, listen to me now,” Ben said in a low voice, as we stood next to his blue Buick. “I was thinking on the ride over-a couple of things I forgot to tell you about these folks.” Although I was skittish, worried about making a good impression, Ben was poised and confident. His brown eyes were alight, his dark hair in place. Almost fifty now, Ben looked better than the .rst day I saw him, standing in the back of the First Methodist Church of Amelia Island. As a young man, he’d been good-looking in a boyish, cleancut way; as an older man, he was remarkably handsome. Trim and muscular, he always dressed well, impressive in dark suits, starched shirts, silk ties, and fine leather shoes. He was one of those men who became more distinguished with age, his silvered temples giving him an air of authority. A helpful trait in his profession.

I folded my arms and leaned against his car with a sigh. “I don’t know how,” I said, “since you’ve given me every detail of their lives. Bet I know more about them than they do.” Looking around, I saw that the church, next door to the parsonage, was big, much bigger than I expected, with a towering white steeple and stained-glass windows gleaming in the sun like jewels. The saying went, the more stained glass, the higher up the ladder the preacher was. Ben was halfway to heaven here.

“Remember this, because it’s very important,” he said in a whisper, although there was no one around to hear him. “The Administrative Board chairperson is Bob Harris. Bob Harris, president of First Florida bank, a real big shot in town, so be especially nice to him.”

“Bob Harris,” I repeated dutifully, looking away from the church. I didn’t know it would be so big. I longed for the safety of our little church in Lake City, wishing we’d never come here. Earlier on, I’d been as excited as Ben, thrilled with the move, his appointment to Crystal Springs. Now I was just apprehensive.

Ben bent his head close to mine and I smelled his spicy aftershave. “Got everyone’s name right? Bob’s wife’s Collie, I think. Collie something-orother.”

“Collie dog?”

“Collie Ruth, I believe. No-wait, that’s his sister-in-law. His wife’s Lorraine. Or Loretta. Loretta Harris, that’s it.”

“Which one, Ben?”

“Lorraine, just like I said. You’ve got to pay attention, Dean, or you’ll mess up. Now, remember who the president of the Pastor-Parish Relations Committee is?” I shook my head and held up a hand, annoyed. “You’re confusing me. Trust me, okay? I’ll get their names right.” Ben had trouble with names, not me. “I’m not the one who stood in the pulpit and introduced the guest soloist Peter Littlejohn as John Littlepeter,” I reminded him.

“You’ll never let me live that down, will you?” Cutting his eyes my way, Ben tried not to smile, to maintain his look of piety. It was a look he was good at.

“Never. Anytime you get too self-righteous I’ll be here to remind you,” I told him, smiling. We’d spent twenty years together with me being his foil; he was the esteemed man of God, me the thorn in his side. “I’ll be fine, Ben, don’t worry. I’ll be on my best behavior.”

“You’d better be. Let’s go in, then.” As Ben straightened himself up, I readied myself, too, smoothing down my long denim skirt, reaching under the waistband to tuck in my best white cotton blouse. Licking my fingertips, I smoothed back my hair, tugged on the ponytail at the nape of my neck, fidgeted with the wide barrette that held it in place. But when I retrieved a tube of lipstick from the small purse hanging over my shoulder, Ben took my arm and pulled me forward, his grip firm. “You don’t have time to primp,” he said in a low voice. “They’re peeking out the windows at us! Let’s go.”

As we walked up to the house, I was taken aback by the difference in it and Ben’s description. When he’d returned from meeting with the committee, I’d probed him to describe the town, the church, and the house in minute detail, but he’d been vague. He did okay with the church and town, but all he remembered about the house was that it was big, yellow brick, Colonial in style, and very formal. He’d not told me it was such a .ne place, that the front lawn with its lush green grass was so neatly landscaped, abloom with white daisies and orange daylilies. He’d neglected to say that the wide grounds sloped toward the street to a sidewalk shaded with palm trees. Towns with sidewalks seemed more welcoming to me. The brick walkway leading to the front porch of the house was bordered in purple pansies, their sweet faces turned toward us in greeting.

Ben put his hand on my back, steering me forward, and I swallowed nervously as we climbed the brick steps, moving toward our new life, to meet the people who’d decide if we’d make it here or not. I glanced at Ben, praying he’d tell me it would be all right. He ignored me, eyes straight ahead, and I forced down the panic building somewhere deep within, causing my knees to go weak and my heart to thud. I can do this, I repeated to myself, I can do this for Ben.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I married Ben. Had I known, would I have done it? It’s impossible to answer that now. All I know is, when I first laid eyes on the Reverend Ben Lynch, I knew he was the man I’d marry. I’d taken a job right out of college, as pianist of my foster parents’ church on Amelia Island, when the Reverend Ben Lynch was appointed our pastor. It was his second, maybe third, church appointment since he’d gotten out of seminary. His .rst Sunday, he was standing in the back of the church, greeting the congregation, when I walked into the choir loft to prepare for the morning worship service. I stopped and stared at him. Although not much taller than me, he was well-built and broad-shouldered, with thick brown hair and shining dark eyes, goodlooking as a movie star. I pulled the choir director aside and whispered,

“Who is that?”

“Our new preacher,” she replied, smiling slyly. “Good-looking, isn’t he? We’re lucky to get him. He’s on his way up.”

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Book gossip: Feb 2003

Stranger than fiction… get the scoop on the happenings of the book world!

It isn’t easy being the son of someone famous.

And it’s even harder if you choose a career in the same field. Thomas Steinbeck, son of John, who has made a living writing screenplays and teleplays, has waited until his mid-50s to write his first work of fiction, a collection of short stories he heard around the kitchen table as a child.

“When you’ve got a Nobel prize and a Pulitzer prize in the family,” he explains, “why be greedy? I was just happy to put a roof over my head.” He adds that his father considered being able to feed a family and keep a roof over their heads a sign of success.

“He never thought of it (being a writer) as being an artist – he thought of it like any other craft, like being a butcher or a shoemaker.”

Thomas says his father never taught his children how to write: “But he taught us how to think.” His collection of stories is titled Down to a Soundless Sea.

There’s no such thing as bad publicity.

Take American lifestyle queen Martha Stewart. The stock price of her company has taken a hit since it was revealed she may have acted on insider information when selling ImClone Systems stocks, but her books on entertaining and crafts continue to sell by the truckload. Seems a good recipe for apple pie will always win through – but no-one is suggesting she should write a book of tips on personal investment!

Home spun wisdom.

Adriana Trigiani, has made a big hit with her first three novels set in the remote Appalachian town where she grew up. Now she reveals she is planning a fourth novel in the series. This time, her lead character, Ave Maria, sets out to find love: “Then she has to try to make that love work without having the skills to do it,” Trigiana says. “I don’t think any of us have those skills, we have to develop them.”

Humble-pie.

Award-winning Melbourne children’s book author, Sonya Hartnett, could be excused for feeling she needs a split personality to get by. “My whole life is vastly contradictory,” says the author of Thursday’s Child, which won the Guardian’s children fiction prize late last year and who also works part-time as a bookseller in her hometown Melbourne. “At one end of my career I’m in England in a fancy hotel, winning the Guardian prize, and at the other end the most respect anyone gives you is to chuck their Mastercard at you while continuing to talk on their mobile phone. But it’s kept me humble.”

Celebrity blues.

Seems celebrity memoirs have lost a bit of gloss in the past year. Many publishers have been left holding the bag with unearned advances. The big sellers, such as Billy, which slipped back in the top 10 in the UK over Christmas and Kurt Cobain: The Journals, are becoming a rarity. In Britain, where it was tipped to have its biggest market, Kylie: La La La, was marked down immediately after Christmas to less than half price by one of the major bookstore chains.

And more on celebrity memoirs.

Janie Hampton, working on the life of Joyce Grenfell, stumbled across a revelation – but not the kind she was hoping for. Hampton, who knew the performer all her life, found an entry in Grenfell’s diaries – about her teenage self! Janie, said the diary, had hair that was too short, skirts that were even shorter and was guilty of behaviour that was a “bit slutty”. Janie told the story with good humour at the book’s launch.

Ooh la la

Sarah Turnbull, 36, an Australian backpacking journalist who landed in France in (to the Parisians) shockingly tatty clothes, and who went on to write the bestselling Almost French, admits she still loves trakky daks and can be seen on the streets of Paris wearing them to her Pilates classes. Her book, which has now sold 80,000 copies with rights sold to the US and the UK, is about her love-hate relationship with France, and her affair with Frederic, whom she has since married. Despite the cultural difficulties, Sarah now says “Paris is home”.

More from foreign shores.

Peter Moore, the Australian travel writer whose irreverent and funny books have seen him dubbed the Jim Carrey of travel writing (which he hates), found an unlikely cultural hero on a journey through Ethiopia. During a riot in Addis Ababa he was confronted by a group of angry young men who screamed, “American! American!” He was allowed safe passage when it was explained he was from the land of Skippy. Skippy, which is shown on local television, is a hero.

Scary.

Not content with dominating the adult horror book market, Stephen King is making his first foray into children’sterritory. Little Simon, part of Simon and Schuster, is planning to launch a pop-up book of The Girl who Loved Tom Gordon, aimed at kids aged from three upwards. Says King, “I’ll try not to scare them … well, not too much.” It’s due in 2004. Pop-up books are handmade and take time, it seems.

In the shoes of Francoise Sagan.

At the ripe old age of 21, the Irish prime minister’s daughter, Cecelia Ahern, has made a whopping million dollar two- book deal with US publisher Hyperion. Her first book, provisionally titled P.S. I love you, is about a young Irish woman whose lover dies suddenly, leaving her instructions on how to carry on without him, and is due out later in the year. The book also goes into the importance of friendships, reportedly in the vein of the TV series Friends.

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February 2003 book reviews

A Presumption of Death

by Jill Paton Walsh and Dorothy L. Sayers, Hodder Headline, $29.95.

While Harriet Vane’s husband, Lord Peter Wimsey, is aboard on hugely hush-hush business at the beginning of World War II, she takes their children to the safety of Tallboys, their country home. But as villagers emerge from the inn cellars after an air-raid practice, a dead body lies outside. Paton Walsh uses the style and flavour of Sayers, Wimsey’s creator, to weave a skillful mystery, where Harriet finds herself surveying suspects, soldiers and spies, and solving it all with Lord Peter’s help, of course. This will please Wimsey devotees.

The Piano Tuner

by Daniel Mason, Picador, $35.

In 1886, Edgar Drake is asked by the war office in London to tune a valuable piano – which just happens to be across the world in the jungles of Burma. It’s a bizarre request, but the piano’s owner is an army surgeon whose peace-making efforts amongst the warring states in the area are under suspicion. Drake’s long journey to an exotic land means a new outlook on his previous everyday world, and a new life which he may find difficult to leave once he has restored the magic of music within a beautiful land.

The Four Temperaments

by Yona McDonough, Random House, $29,95.

A saga set in the tempestuous and creative world of New York ballet. When Oscar, the orchestra’s leading violinist, starts an affair with Ginny, a young dancer from the corps de ballet, he knows it will not be a long-term one. When Ginny goes on to fall in love with Oscar’s son, Gabriel, emotions erupt and two marriages are endangered; Gabriel’s to beautiful, erratic Penelope and Oscar’s to practical, determined Ruth. A great mix of ambition, desperation and love.

The Bridge to Holy Cross

by Paullina Simons, Harper Collins, $29.95

The sequel to The Bronze Horseman, this book moves swiftly from the ’30s to the ruthless wartime years of the early ’40s. Alexander decides to stay in communist Russia while Tatiana begins a new life in New York. The difference in their frightening circumstances challenge fate as we wonder if the strength of their love can be kept intact over the hostile distances between them. A big tapestry of a book to fully absorb you.

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Q&a: Cassandra King

Cassandra King is author of The Sunday Wife, selected as The Great Read in the February issue of The Australian Women’s Weekly.

The plot centres on the beautiful and talented Dean, who tries hard to live up to the expectations of her odious preacher husband and his congregation. It’s an involving, emotional and intelligent read that is as much about the claustrophobia of small town prejudices and narrow views, as it is about a woman’s journey to independence with the help of a good friend.

**Q Hi, good to talk to you.

A** I am just thrilled to have contact with Australia. I’ve never been there and I’d love to come there one day.

**Q Congratulations on your book, I understand it’s very successful in the US.

A** Yes, it’s been wonderful – gone much better than I ever expected.

**Q You’re being called the “new voice from the South”?

A** I hope!

**Q You weren’t all that confident of the book’s reception?

A** To me, the minister’s wife, Dean, could be any wife, but I wasn’t sure if people would be comfortable with that idea of her being married to a minister. I wasn’t sure if it might limit my audience. I’m very pleased that I’ve got such good responses. I just got a letter from a woman who wrote to say thank you for my book and that it gave her the courage to change her life – she’d been in an unhappy marriage for a long time.

**Q The book is partly autobiographical?

A** That’s right. I found myself, to my big surprise, to be a minister’s wife for over 20 years. Unlike my character, Dean, I did know what I was getting into in some ways. I was raised in a small town where the central focus was the church and the family – that was all we had to focus on.

**Q You grew up in Alabama?

A** Yes, southern Alabama, deep, deep Alabama, and going to church was so much a part of my upbringing. Living in a small town, I had seen ministers come and go and I had observed that that would not appeal to me at all. Women always gossiped about the minister’s wife. Talked about her hair and clothes, how she behaved and how she raised her kids. They had her either up on a level with her husband or she would not quite make it. I grew up and got engaged to a young man who had been in the peace corps. After that he went to theology school. I said I just don’t think I’m cut out to be a minister’s wife, to tell you the truth. He said, well, I’m not cut out to be a minister. We were in Atlanta in the 1970s – it was the place to be then. My husband ran a youth centre attended by Martin Luther King’s children and he was interested in civil rights and social action. It was wonderful and interesting until one day he said, “I have been fooling myself. I thought I could run away from my calling, but I can’t and I have accepted a church in Alabama”. This was before women’s lib had hit in the south. It never crossed my mind to say you didn’t think about talking to me about it first. It was a momentous leap, a major life change and he hadn’t even thought to discuss it with me – that should have told me something. I’m a slow learner (laughing).

**Q In the story, Dean’s journey to independence is aided and abetted by Augusta, who was a fabulous character, outrageous and free-spirited – was there an Augusta in your life?

A** We went to about five different churches and in each one of those churches I had different women friends who were in some ways Augusta figures. I also have several friends from my college days who were also Augusta styled women. These were women I’d known from before I married. So Augusta was a composite of many women who were supportive and a catalyst for change in my life. I think I really began to change the day a woman I knew said to me, “I can’t believe that everyone thinks your husband is so wonderful – I think he’s such a jerk.” It was kind of eye opening for me, because it my husband was revered as a minister.

**Q If he was so admired, it must have made it harder for you to be critical of him?

A** Yes, he was surrounded by so many starry-eyed people, you begin to lose your perspective. Then you begin to think “oh, he’s tired, he doesn’t really mean it”, and he has certain demands on him and pressures.

**Q Why is it, do you think, that women stay for so long in unhappy relationships that are patently very bad for them?

A** I think it is so common, it is heart-breaking. For so long I thought it was confined to women of my generation. Coming along on the cutting edge of women’s lib, I thought that things would change. I’m 58 and this was in the days before women’s lib had really hit the south – things are always a bit slower there. But I am surprised to say that I have heard it from young women. Heard them say they think they can change a man. That there’s this optimistic thing that all he needs is a good woman. He’s misunderstood etc. It also has a lot to do with women’s infinite capacity to have low self-esteem. I don’t know where that comes from. Except none of us ever think that we look good enough, that we are good enough and that has to be a factor. That’s one reason why I made my character from a poor background where she didn’t have the kind of upbringing people would expect of a minister’s wife.

**Q When you set out to write the book, what did you set out to achieve, outside of telling your story?

A** My priority for me is always the story. I was at a book fair recently where we talked about our writing and one of the questions was, do you have any agenda? Of course we do, but I hope that it is sub-conscious. What I hope is that my story will help women free themselves from oppressive men. Or at least, question their lives.

**Q You have three sons from your previous marriage – did you have to talk to your children about writing this book?

A** I did tell them about it. They have had great, great difficulties with their dad. But the book wasn’t a pay-back. I didn’t have that attitude going on. Oh no, no, not at all. As a matter of fact, after my sons read the book, they said, “you made him much too nice. Dad was a much bigger jerk than that.”

**Q Is it true that you met your second husband, the author Pat Conroy (Prince of Tides), after asking him to write a blurb for your last book?

A** No, it’s not. I’ve read that myself though, and somehow it has gotten around. No, I would never have had the nerve to ask him (laughing). I met him at a reception for him that was held in Birmingham. He came to give a speech. I had done my Masters degree and my creative writing director had already met Pat. He introduced us and told him that I had written a book. Pat said, “you didn’t mention anything about a book!” I said, “Well of course, I wouldn’t tell you!” I loved his work but that was the last thing I was going to tell him. He offered to give me a blurb. It’s a fine distinction, but I certainly didn’t approach him and ask for it, I’m way too shy to do that.

**Q That was the book Making Waves in Zion?

A** Yes.

**Q Obviously there was an attraction then and there when you met?

A** Well, he swears to me that that was the case. The only reticence on my part was that I was still married. I met Pat in February 1995 and my marriage fell apart a few months later, in May. I didn’t know much detail about his personal life. I knew he had a family and had kids, but he was divorced that summer as well, so he had already been separated from his wife. He called up and asked about me, got my phone number. He said he’d liked me right from when we met and wanted to know more about me.

**Q It seems amazing that you met at just that point your lives?

A** It’s unbelievable. Pat is very gregarious. He’d get on the phone and talk to me for hours. So, of course, he gave me a blurb for my book. He got my number, I got his and I thought that was that. But he would start calling me and just talk and talk and talk for hours, and we really became friends, before a relationship developed. One of the times he said something about having a rough time after his divorce. I said, “No kidding, I just went through one, too.” So that’s how it began.

**Q Are you married or living together?

A** No, we’re married, five years in May.

**Q I know you worked as a writing teacher. Are you still doing that or writing full-time now?

A** I’m writing full-time now. I had every intention of teaching but Pat said, “Oh, why don’t you do something for me? Before you go back to teach, why don’t you take a year off? Work on your manuscript and see how it goes?” I said, “Okay, I’ll give it a go.” I actually did quite well with selling the manuscript. So I thought I could make this work.

**Q In the midst of everything that happened, it must have taken you a while to write the book?

A** Yes, it did, and not only that, it was difficult for me. I didn’t want to re-visit it. I had just gotten out of this marriage that had ended painfully and I didn’t want to go back there.

**Q You live in South Carolina – describe the surrounds?

A** We live on the Atlantic Ocean and it’s very pretty. We love salt water, we both love to swim. So we do that in our down time. We both love to cook. Sometimes we’ll have friends over, sometimes we’ll have no-one but ourselves. Sometimes Pat will flip through a gourmet magazine.

**Q When you completed the manuscript for The Sunday Wife, who was the first person to sit down and read it?

A** Pat did. I was very careful not to bother him about it for two reasons. He was, as usual, way behind his deadline on his book. And I mean way behind, years behind. And getting pressure from his publisher. He had all this going on, so I wasn’t about to put something else on him. And plus, I can’t really talk about something while it’s still being written – something about dissipating my creative juices – I don’t know. So I had to get it totally completed so that I had a manuscript from page one to the end, before I wanted anyone to see it. Pat had some excellent suggestions. About a small cut here – or you do need a scene here. He is very blunt – plain spoken.

**Q Have you become a celebrity in the US with the great book sales that The Sunday Wife has achieved?

A** God, I hope not.

**Q In the book Dean plays the dulcimer – do you?

A** I’m not any good. I am not musical and it’s one of the great heartbreaks of my life. I love music. I tried to play guitar, tried piano lessons. I can’t dance either. I tried so hard and have no gift for it. But I can play the dulcimer, it really is not difficult.

**Q You sound very happy with your new life, which must be great after so many years of difficulties?

A** I really am. But I’m afraid to say it in case the gods punish me – they may be lying in wait thinking, “aha! You’re going to be sorry you said that.”

**Q Your star sign?

A** I’m on the cusp of Aquarius/Pisces but because I was born just before midnight, on February 18 and Pisces starts February 19, when I read description of star signs, I find I am much more like a Pisces than an Aquarian.

**Q Did you dream about writing from a very early age?

A** Absolutely. And I wrote. I wanted to write plays. I put on plays with my dolls.

**Q You are the eldest of three girls?

A** Yes.

**Q And what did your parents do?

A** My dad’s a peanut farmer in Plains, Georgia, almost the same area as Jimmy Carter.

**Q Mum did home duties?

A** Exactly. And then after all of us kids were grown, in the last part of her life, she became a volunteer working at a retirement home and started working part-time with them. She was like the activities director. Took them on trips, did ceramics, started an exercise group. So she had a late life career. She was so robust, she was never sick.

**Q You’re now working on a new book called The Same Sweet Girls?

A** I’ve worked on it some. I haven’t done as much as I’d like to.

**Q If I said Cassandra King loves?

A** Trees, birds, the ocean. I love the world that God has provided for us and I love the people who take care of it.

**Q And believes in?

A** Fate and I do believe in God. It may not be the traditional image of God, but I do believe there is something greater than ourselves.

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Choosing your attitude

Yes, choose! We have little control over many stressful events and the bigger the event, the smaller we may feel by comparison.

For example, when we hear about famine in Africa, we may feel overwhelmed by the sheer scale of the problem. Very few of us, however, would refuse to give food to a hungry person, if asked.

By maintaining this attitude, we may decide to do what we can, however small our action may seem. We choose our action by standing for hope. We can reserve the right to be optimistic, and to think positively about solutions to problems, including our own. I call this learned optimism “thinking well”. Thinking well about difficulties is:

  • constructive

  • flexible

  • impartial

  • curious

  • balanced

  • tolerant

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By contrast, thinking “badly” (by reacting to difficulties with knee-jerk negativity and pessimism) is:

  • destructive

  • rigid

  • cynical

  • frustrating

  • resentful

  • sarcastic

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Take the example of Eliza, a young woman who is jilted and feeling unloved. She might despair and conclude that she is worthless and useless, but this type of thinking is corrosive and negative. An optimistic alternative would be to try to consider the best possible outcome – accomplishing a happy relationship despite the difficulties. Eliza’s thoughts might run like this:

  • I have love to give.

  • I need to find the right partner.

  • I did my best in the relationship but that wasn’t enough.

  • It won’t help to blame anyone.

  • I’m a worthwhile person even if that relationship isn’t.

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Five great ways to simplify

Feeling overwhelmed? Here are five easy ways to streamline your life, find more time and feel less stressed.

1. Have a clean-out.

According to feng shui, the Chinese art of placement, the clutter in your home correlates with parts of your life that need attention. Key spots include your entrance, which represents how you approach life, and your attic, which represents your goals.

2. Maximise your commute.

If you travel two hours a day to and from work, over the course of a year you will have spent 21 full 24-hour days commuting! Use the time wisely by: reading, if you’re not the driver; listening to tapes; or working out, if you can bike or walk to work.

3. Cook ahead.

Save time and eat more healthily by cooking on the weekend and making enough to freeze for the rest of the week. Soups and casseroles freeze particularly well.

4. Dejunk your mind.

If you find yourself unable to focus, try this quick meditation. Sit in a chair with your hands in your lap. Focus on your breath and begin counting each exhalation until you’ve counted 10 breaths. If you lose count, start again.

5. Save a tree and your sanity.

Keep paper and electronic junkmail to a minimum. Arrange to have some of your bills paid electronically. And sign up for a junk-email blocking tool – for ideas, visit www.obviously.com/junkmail

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Prostate cancer

A promising remedy for prostate cancer?

Science has good news for men. A recent study, published in The Journal of Urology, shows that a supplement containing the herbs saw palmetto (Serenoa repens) and reishi (Ganoderma lucidum) slows the growth of prostate cancer.

The study tested the effects of the herbs on 69 men with prostate cancer over 33 months. One year into the study, 88 per cent of the men had reduced levels of prostate-specific antigen (PSA), an enzyme that indicates spreading of the disease.

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Stress

From The Australian Women’s Weekly Health Series Stress: How to Cope with Pressure. Click Here to buy to the book!

Gender thinking

For whatever reason – whether by nature or conditioning – men and women tend to think in very different ways.

These differences can generate enormous tension and stress. This may be reduced if you can gain some insight into the pattern of your partner’s thinking, and try to accept the differences.

Here are some common features of gender thinking which tend to promote misunderstanding. For example, when two members of the same sex get together, the content of the discussion may fit these forms:

How women look at things

Issues are 75 per cent personal and 25 per cent business. Women tend to be concerned with the quality of friendship and connection and feelings generally. Speech tends to be wide-ranging and detailed. Women prefer discussing the nature and consequences of a problem, in order to gain reassurance and confidence about themselves.

Women may frequently ask questions such as “What should be done?” and “Can I do it?”

How men look at things

Issues are 75 per cent business and 25 per cent personal. Men tend to be competitive, concerned with who’s bigger, tougher, stronger, better, and who has the most “toys”. Their speech tends to be direct and precise.

Men will try to solve problems where possible, in a effort to do something concrete. This role is powerful. “Knowing what to do” is important.

The most effective thing a man can do when talking to a woman is to check with her that he has grasped her meaning. She will greatly appreciate this effort!

When it’s just too hard

Despite the positive suggestions in this chapter, there are still relationships where abuse and violence affect both partners and children.

Often there is a major underlying problem such as past sexual abuse, current alcohol abuse (or other addictions) or depression and chronic unhappiness for all.

If you consider that you, or your family, need help with such issues talk with your doctor or trained people who can support you to change. Professional help is essential if you wish to change these family patterns in the future.

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Teddy bed

A cute teddy-bed sleeping bag is perfect for sleepovers!

DIAGRAMS:

Teddy Grid

Mattress Pocket, Cover Lining and Pillow Pocket

Back and Cover

MATERIALS: 3.1m x 150cm cotton or woollen fabric

30cm x 40cm fur fabric

30cm x 40cm press-on interfacing

108cm x 75cm polyester padding

sewing thread

4 press studs

104cm x 65cm rubber or plastic foam (2cm thickness)

METHOD: Cut out fabric pieces, following the diagram and allowing for seams and hems.

Trace Teddy outline onto the back of the interfacing; press onto the wrong side of the fur fabric. Stitch around outline; trim. Pin and machine applique teddy motif to Cover Top (see diagram).

Turn under hems, where indicated and topstitch.

With right sides facing, pin and sew Pillow Pocket around three edges; attach to Back. Trim, neaten and turn to right side. Press.

To make ties, cut 16 strips 6cm x 24cm; fold each lengthwise (right sides facing) and sew around edge, leaving one end open. Turn out and press. Pin in place as indicated with raw edges matching.

With right sides facing, pin and sew Mattress Pocket and Cover Lining together along 108cm edge.

Place two layers of bed together, with right sides facing.

Pin and sew around outside edge, making sure edge ties are all facing inside and Leave top edge of Cover open. Neaten seams. Turn out and press.

Insert polyester padding between Cover Top and Cover Lining sections.

Topstitch along seam to close. Catchstitch through padding where indicated, to hold padding in position.

Topstitch hemmed pockets by 13cm. Sew two press studs inside each hem. Make two long ties from fabric 8cm x 109cm long in the same way as before. Sew centre of each tie 53cm from bottom edge of Back, where indicated. Insert purchased pillow in pocket. Fill Mattress Pocket with plastic or rubber foam, 2cm thick by pocket size, if desired.

Tie ends and sides to keep child cosy when in use; roll up and tie to carry or store.

Bed is machine washable.

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Q&a: Lee Smith

Lee Smith is the author of The Last Girls, selected as the Great Read in the January issue of The Australian Women’s Weekly. The story centres on a group of old college friends who, in 1965, inspired by Huckleberry Finn, sailed a homemade raft down the Mississippi River. Thirty-four years later, they reunite to sail the river again. The Last Girls is about friendships, romance, memory and desire.

**Q I was amazed to read that the raft trip down the Mississippi is based on fact.

A** Yes, (laughing), I’m amazed now that we did it. My husband and I went down the Mississippi again, a few years ago, when I was doing research for this novel. We went on a steam boat and standing there, looking out at the size of the river, I could hardly believe that we did it. It just seems amazing to me. When you’re young, you don’t realise the dangers.

**Q You’re also more adventurous when you’re young?

A** Absolutely! It’s a great advantage (laughing). I think, too, when you’re young, you’re so much more open to everything. I think in a way this book is about friendships between women. The friendships we make when we’re young, nothing makes such an impression. We feel so much and experience so much – the friends you have at that time in your life are the ones that make a really indelible impression. Like the first man in your life.

The first trip was very much like the trip as it is described in the novel. I was at an American literature seminar at a women’s college. The characters are made up, but we were a lively bunch.

**Q How many of you were there?

A** Fifteen of us were on the trip. We built a raft which essentially looked like a floating porch. There was like a lumber floor and oil drums. It was 40ft long, 15ft wide and it had a railing around it and a structure over it, so we could cover it with tarpaulins. And we had a 240 horsepower motor. We also had two boys with us. Our parents were not about to let us on the river without some guys, so we had a couple of cousins, and a retired river-boat captain. The authorities were not going to let us on the river, so we cried on television and this old river-boat captain emerged from this retirement home. He’d been on the river for 50 years. So he had a story about everything and a lot of that I had to leave out because I was writing a different book. He was terrific.

**Q And the trip was just some crazy idea you came up with?

A** It was exactly like that. There were one or two young women among the group, who were the kind of people who get things done – pursue things. I was not one.(laughing)

**Q And the trip really was inspired by Huckleberry Finn?

A** It was and it truly was a raft of mainly English majors. At that time we were reading – it was the vogue in America then – Joseph Campbell’s The Hero With a Thousand Faces and looking at literature in terms of myth, and heroic journeys and so on. Later when I began to think about writing this book I realised that that model of the heroic journey, the quest to conquer, was so much a boy’s book – so much a male journey. And really, if we think of the river journey as a metaphor for life, for women that very organised goal-oriented journey has not been the case. For any woman I know, it’s really been more about the journey than the destination.

We were reading Huckleberry Finn when we decided to do the trip. Actually the content of that wonderful novel doesn’t have so much to do with my novel, except maybe in the theme of the loss of innocence.

**Q How many days were you on the river?

A** Sixteen days. Because we wrecked! We were hit by the tail of a hurricane and were flung into the levee and had to buy a new motor and get the rail repaired. Then we had some terrible weather. By the time we got to New Orleans, everything we had was wet. And we were filthy.

**Q And lucky to be alive?

A** Well, it wasn’t that bad, but it was a real adventure. I think we thought it was going to be this idyllic floating along. And it was a lot of work! It was wonderful, but I guess every trip is different to what you think.

**Q Your parents must have been relieved to know you arrived safely?

A** I think they were. We were getting lots of press coverage by the time we came to New Orleans, because it became a bit of a cause celebre. They were following us in the press as we went. And we were really met by a tug boat with a jazz band playing and given the keys to the city.

**Q So you were minor celebs?

A** For a day or so. We got free hotel rooms. It was tremendously exciting and very empowering to attempt something hard and achieve it.

The return trip my husband and I did was on a steamboat and although based on a real event in my life, the characters in the book are all fictional, because that’s what I do. That’s the kind of thing I know how to write.

**Q I read that around the time you did the trip, you kind of broke out and that there was a go-go dancer with a rock band?

A** (Laughing) Well, that was also kind of a lark. I was in an all-woman band and it had a funny name because the college is in Virginia and the band was the Virginia Wolves.

**Q I’ve read that you think Virginia Woolf’s book, To The Lighthouse, is the perfect novel?

A** Yes, I think so, for me. However, I have to add that I just read Ian McEwan’s Atonement, and it’s really good, But I love Virginia Woolf, she’s someone who I have spent a lot of time reading.

**Q I assume that the reunion in the book is fictional?

A** Yes. Over the years, people would say, “when are you going to write about the raft trip?” For a fiction writer, no matter how interesting events are, that’s not a story. For a story you’ve got to have meaning and relevance about how those events affected the characters. So it’s taken, really, 30 or 35 years to begin to understand how the story has a real resonance and relevance for me, now.

**Q Have some of the girls who went on the trip with you read the book, and did they like it?

A** Oh yes! I’m really good friends with several of them. One’s a professor of literature, another is a journalist in Washington. Three or four of them have read it and everybody liked it so much. I’m so pleased.

**Q I was fascinated by the character “Baby”. On the one hand, she was endlessly fascinating and attractive, on the other, she was destructive. Yet ultimately, according to her husband, she had finished up living a worthwhile life.

A** Baby is a catalyst. I feel like most of us have run into somebody like that and when you’re young and things make such an impression, they can really get you into a lot of trouble. You know, people who are themselves troubled can be so charismatic. I made Baby a kind of a genius as well as a completely free spirit. The impact on Harriet was tragic, because she put her life on hold in reaction to what happened.

**Q I thought the adventures of this group of women also mirrored the times – the 1960s when young women were experiencing a lot of change?

A** Oh absolutely and this is why I named it The Last Girls. When people say the ’60s, the images that come into our minds are free spirits and summer of love and hippies. And San Francisco and psychedelic drugs. In reality in the US, the ’60s were all those things that we think, but they didn’t really happen in the ’60s, except if you happened to be living in San Francisco. Or you were at Harvard or somewhere like that. For most Americans, who were at rural schools, it was not like that. It’s true the ’60s were poised to happen, in 1966. Everything was really changing, certainly for women and the women who were going to graduate were going out into a world vastly different from the world that their parents expected for them. Or that they had expected for themselves. It was a world with incredibly more possibilities, for them and their lives. But also a world of greater ambiguity and the loss of certainties like the ’50s family and the myth of romance, that they were going to marry someone and they would be with them forever.

**Q They were also difficult times for women who were torn between two very different worlds?

A** Absolutely, and I think, just like in the novel, when I look through my clippings from newspapers from that time, stuff like Girls A Go-Go Down The Mississippi, nowadays no-one would ever call a group of young women on a raft “girls” – it really would be defeating.

**Q I’ve read that from an early age you loved stories, telling them and hearing about them and that you earned pocket money, writing stories for neighbours?

A** (laughing) That’s right, I grew up in a family not so much of readers or writers or scholars, but of story-tellers, so I was very lucky to have grown up hearing so many wonderful stories.

**Q Is it true you used to hide up in the ceiling of your father’s shop and listen in to everything?

A** Yes, (laughing) absolutely. I had an endless fascination and then I did spend some years as a journalist and that gives you carte blanche to ask personal questions of people. That’s another way to learn about character, I guess.

**Q What years did you work for a newspaper?

A** I worked there until I had children. About 1968-73. I worked on the Richmond Newspaper and then on the newspaper in a town in Alabama and there were a lot of characters. I worked in features and then I ran a Sunday supplement and I was also trying to write fiction all that time as well. I did have the novels coming out, too, when I was young.

**Q I read your parents both suffered from depression and that in a way, your writing was therapy for you?

A** It was, although I don’t think I’d ever heard the word therapy at that point, but it was another world to be in for a little while and I think reading and writing are legitimately used as an escape for all of us at any time. But my parents, while they did have these troubles, were enormously supportive of my interests and of each other. They were very sweet. They just seemed to have a bit of trouble navigating the world.

**Q Do you have sisters and brothers?

A** No, my parents were older when I was born. They thought they would never have children.

**Q You were the miracle child?

A** Yes and I think that was one reason they didn’t know quite what to do with me because I was an avid reader, I was different!

**Q You’ve described yourself as a “deeply weird child?”

A** (Laughing) I think that’s true. Books and reading and writing. No-one in my family was at all like that. They were all in business, they were gamblers, poker players, into politics – they were kind of hard livers and big drinkers and the women were very traditional home-makers. So I was an odd little thing.

**Q Like someone who’d come from Mars?

A** Yes, that’s right! But they were all delighted with me. I was just a strange sort of kid.

**Q You grew up in Appalachian mountains? What was it like?

A** The mountains there are really big, really straight up and down and when I was growing up, the roads were bad, so we were very much isolated. The Appalachian Mountains were one of the few places in the country that was really cut off from the mainstream for a long time because of the geography and so we did have our own very strong folk culture, which I’ve written about a lot. We enjoyed country music – blue grass. I grew up with that and that kind of story-telling – everything was expressed out loud – and with lots of music and folklore and customs. The main income where I come from was coal mining. It was very poor and very hard. I think when other people think about the South, they have a Gone With the Wind image and my background was nothing like that.

**Q You were one of the first writers to depict poor Southern women?

A** That’s right. I had the privilege to grow up with so many women, particularly of my parents’ generation who had worked so hard and had led what I considered to be heroic lives and I hadn’t seen these lives written about very much. So I wanted to honour them.

**Q In what way are women from the south different to women in the North?

A** Now there’s not much difference frankly, because television is a great leveller and we’re all sort of in the same culture, but for a long time the South was so much poorer and so much more remote. The civil war is what made the difference because it was the only part of this country that was occupied, defeated. There was a certain real difference. For a long while, it was a lot more backward educationally and there was more racial prejudice. It was less industrial, much more rural, fewer cities and now I think the South has economically, culturally and in every other way, caught up with everybody. Traditionally, the Southern woman was at home. Or she was on the farm. Or up in the mountains She was not as such a visible force, not as educated. But there have also always been really good Southern Writers. The south as a whole, has provided so much to write about. It is a particular culture with particular problems. And incredible conflict. And fiction requires conflict. In fact, I think a lot of our country’s greatest writers have come from the South because there’s so much tragedy and torment and big stuff to write about (laughing). It’s colourful!

**Q William Faulkner is one of your big influences?

A** Yes and in the same way as Virginia Woolf – his experimentation with narratives and ways of telling the story.

**Q How old are you?

A** I turned 58 on November 1.

**Q You still write your books in long-hand?

A** Yes (laughing). But I’m so glad I’ve gotten email, because I’ve been able to email back and forth with the publicist in Australia to organise our interview. I just got a computer.

I don’t know why! To me, writing is – because I have a story-telling tradition – very visceral. I hear the words in my head and I just sort of go into a kind of trance and write it out. I do have a wonderful secretary who at some point will put it onto a disc.

**Q You have two sons?

A** They are 32 and 30 and the one who is 30, has just had a child so I’ve just had my first grandchild. And I felt like it was really appropriate that she was born just as this book was coming out because it’s all about passages and changes in a woman’s life and I certainly have had this huge emotional reaction to having this adorable baby in our family. I mean, it’s just beyond anything. They named her Lucy and she was born on October 8.

And I have a wonderful step-daughter who is a psychologist, Amity. My husband’s name is Hal Crowther, he’s a journalist I married him in 1985 and he, too, has recently written a book. It’s called Cathedrals of Kuzu – and that’s the kind of vine that grows over everything in the South. It’s his journalist’s take on the whole thing.

**Q You have two dogs and two cats?

A** We have two dogs, one called Hilly after Hillary Clinton and Gracie. Sadly, we don’t have our cats any more.

**Q If I said, “Lee Smith loves…”, how would you finish the sentence?

A** My family, to read and write and just be as passionately connected with the real world as I can. I’m very interested in politics and gardening and cooking and I walk three miles every day. I’m not the kind of writer who’s apart from the world. And I am very involved in things like literacy efforts, and very partisan to the Appalachian region where I’m from and I spend time going back up into the mountains and teaching writing classes. I think that’s real important.

**Q Lee Smith believes very strongly in …?

A** Education and women’s rights – politically I’m a liberal – I believe in individual rights and freedoms. I’m what they call in the South (laughing) a yellow dog Democrat. That means I’d vote for a yellow dog before I would vote for a Republican. I’m not a George Bush fan.

Thank you Lee, for all your time and help.

Well, thank you, I’m going to look at your website and I’m just so completely thrilled that the book has made this kind of journey to a whole other country and a whole other culture. It means so much to me, it really does.

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