Rearing a child alone is no easy task. By the time my daughter reached school age, I realised I had to find a way to earn a decent living, so I returned to university to gain a teaching qualification.
As part of the course I was placed for a number of weeks at a secondary school. This was my first full-time, although unpaid, work experience for a few years and I revelled in the challenge, stimulation and social atmosphere of the school.
I quickly developed a crush on my supervisor, Tony. An older man, he had the air of a world-weary academic — intellectual and wise. I loved the way he taught his students. He obviously cared about them and his film classes were informative and fun. “Is he married?” I asked myself, although I knew our student/supervisor relationship forbade the possibility of anything extracurricular.
As the weeks wore on, we spent much time together discussing lesson plans, film-making and, endlessly, the state of education, as we shared a latte at lunch. As he puffed away on his movie mogul’s cigar, his attitude towards me was nothing but professional, so I resigned myself to unrequited love.
Meanwhile I had noticed the Information Technology teacher, Matthew, who was a positive and friendly man. His marriage was breaking up and physically he looked exhausted and out of shape. As much as I liked him, I was wary of ‘rebound’ guys, so I continued fretting for Tony.
Finally my time was up at the school and I said goodbye to both Matthew and Tony. In my haste I left my wallet behind at the final drinks after school. Later that night the telephone rang. It was Matthew; he had found my wallet and offered to bring it over. He stayed for drinks and we shared a fun evening together. He was interesting and smart with a great sense of humour. We kissed goodnight and made plans for another get-together. This unexpected turn of events had still not affected my feelings for Tony. In an unusual burst of bravado I e-mailed Tony to see if we could get together now my placement was over. His response was cool and detached.
With no interest there, I continued seeing Matthew. He seemed to love coming to my place and cooking for me; each week the recipes were more elaborate. I enjoyed it but wondered why he did not invite me on a proper date. “It’s too difficult for you to get a babysitter”, he said.
After a while a much warmer e-mail returned from Tony. “How about dinner?” he said. The thought of going out excited me. Although I realised Matthew probably would not be happy, I accepted and had a beautiful evening at a cosy local bistro.
Both men had custody of their children every second weekend, which meant we only made plans on a fortnightly basis. For about six months I had home-cooked meals with Matthew one weekend and fine wining-and-dining with Tony the other. In a strange way both men satisfied my social needs.
I liked them both very much and felt torn, as I could not decide between the two. Matthew was now back in shape and healthier and more active than ever, but his homebody attitude was a concern. After many years spent at home alone I found the social whirl of the two suitors truly exciting.
Eventually a decision had to be made. As much as I liked Matthew, I found his unwillingness to go out a sore point. When I broached the issue, he asked me if we went out would we go ‘Dutch’?
That was the turning point. I made the break and gave the relationship with Tony a real go. After a couple of months he was no longer so keen to go out and started to take up residence on my couch. I found the neverending conversations about school a bore and the cigar smoke started to offend. I lost interest quickly. On one of our final evenings together he told me in passing how Matthew was about to set up house with his new girlfriend.
In that moment my feelings finally clarified. I no longer cared for Tony and desperately wanted Matthew and his home-cooked meals and fun personality back. I sent off a tentative e-mail to enquire about his wellbeing. He never responded.
I guess he is happy. That was a few years ago now. I missed Matthew terribly and have never had strong feelings for another man. I realised Matthew was looking for a partner in a happy home life and I could not see his many qualities because of the good times offered by Tony. When Tony and I finally spent time at home together, the relationship lost its sparkle.
The lesson for this teacher? To focus on one subject at a time. The irony is that I was the person hurt most by my two-timing. Since then I have devoted myself to my child and have never felt the urge to risk love again.
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