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What’s your body type?

Kelly Osbourne

Eating and exercising to suit your personal body type may be the secret to maintaining weight and boosting your overall health.

If you’ve battled the bulge, the chances are you’ve toyed with a fad diet or two. Who hasn’t? In our want-everything-now world, any quick-fix weight loss always seems like a good idea at the time.

The trouble with that, according to cardiologist Dr Ross Walker, is that none of them work in the long-term, so we all just get fatter.

What does work, says Dr Walker in his new book Diets Don’t Work, is following simple health principles — and those for your particular body type.

“Why do some people enjoy savoury foods while others prefer sweet?” he says. “Why are some people constantly hungry while others forget to eat? Why do some people crave exercise while others need a gun to their head before they move? The answer is, we’re all different — so it’s vital to individualise our health advice and reject the one-size-fits-all diets.”

The body-typing theory is nothing new. But Dr Walker believes if you can figure out which “type” you are, you’re on the way to finetuning your shape and your health.

“There are four major glandular systems in women, which determine body shape, dietary predilections, a lot of characteristics, even what kind of weather you like,” he says.

“Around 75 percent of us fit into a specific type — and food cravings are a big clue.”

Stress is thought to overstimulate your dominant gland by releasing and depleting the body of certain hormones, which can then lead to cravings and more weight gain.

“What you crave is the worst food for you,” Dr Walker says. “It’s what you should avoid because it’ll overstimulate your primary gland and put your body out of balance.”

We detail body types below, and tell you how to avoid problems in the first place.

By Rachel Smith

Controller or C-type

If you put on weight all over, like Kelly Osbourne does, you could be a classic C-type. “These types are either very short or very tall,” Dr Walker says. “They don’t tend to be of average height, and they tend to have round heads and young faces. When they put on weight, they tend to put it on everywhere.”

Major craving

Dairy products.

“A C-type is much better off on a higher-protein, high-fat, low-carb and lower-dairy diet,” he says.

Best workout

Cardiovascular/aerobics with muscle conditioning.

Adrenal or A-type

Classic A-types look like Pamela Anderson — big breasts and no hips. “A-types have an average body build,” Dr Walker explains. “They’re usually perfectionists, and if they put on weight it’s around the trunk. If you are a female A-type and you put on weight, it’ll go to your breasts. You won’t get big legs.”

Major craving

Red meat, which overstimulates the adrenal gland. You’re much better off with fruit and vegetables, wholegrains and lean meat.

Best workout

Cardiovascular conditioning.

Thyroid or T-type

Do you look like The OC star Mischa Barton? Half your luck — you’re what’s known as a T-type. “They’re skinnier, with long arms, no hips or breasts, and tend to have a pointy face,” Dr Walker says. “They find it hard to put on weight, but if they do it’s around the middle.”

Major craving

“T-types love sweets, carbs — they’re chocoholics. They crave pasta. Again, carbs are the worst thing for them.” Go for protein, vegies and low-GI carbs.

Best workout

Cardio/aerobics with strength/endurance training.

Gonadal or G-type

“The classic G-type is Serena Williams [right] or Jennifer Lopez — women who put on weight around their hips. Aerobic work will help burn the fat, but if you do too much lower body muscle-strengthening, it will emphasise that region.”

Major craving

Spicy, creamy foods. They “overstimulate the ovaries and help put on weight around your hips.” Stick to fruit and vegies, low-fat dairy, low-GI carbs and lean meat.

Best workout

Fat-burning cardio and upper-body strengthening to create proportion.

Dr Walker’s health principles

  • The in/out principle

“The kilojoules you take in should be less than the kilojoules you burn. So cut back on what you eat by around 30 percent, use smaller plates, don’t have second helpings and avoid unnecessary food like the morning doughnut or afternoon biscuit. Increase your incremental activity, and break into a sweat for about 30 minutes, 4-5 times a week.”

  • The convenience principle

“The more packaged a food is, the more chance it’s causing you harm. If it’s in a box or container or has a use-by date, it’s not good for you.”

  • The paolithic principle

“If you can kill it and eat it straight away or grow it in your backyard, it’s good for you. After that, all bets are off. So basically what I’m saying is, eat more natural foods and avoid anything processed.”

  • The 19 out of 21 principle

“Feeling sentenced to a way of living is why diets don’t work. So, for 19 out of the 21 meals every week, you should follow the program set out in Diets Don’t Work — the other two, you do what you like. If you know you have two meals a week where you can eat pizza or have ice-cream, you know you can maintain it for the rest of your life.”

  • The movement principle

“You cannot lose weight without moving — so move as much as you can. Walk up stairs, park away from the shopping centre … walk wherever you can, even if you’re stuck in an office all day. Don’t send e-mails to the person in the next office. Get up and talk to them!”

Diets Don’t Work, rrp $32.95, Pan Macmillan Australia.

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One cat or two?

Question:

My boyfriend and I live in an average-sized two bedroom flat. We have recently adopted a kitten (she’s roughly three months old) and are worried that she gets bored when we’re not around. She has heaps of toys and things to play with but seems to mainly sleep when we’re not around and goes nuts when we are. Do you think getting a second kitten for her as a companion would help the situation or is she just being a normal kitten and is fine as she is?

Thanks!

Fiona

Answer:

I always think that two cats are better than one because they keep each other company but having said that, there are plenty of happy single cats around. If she has lots of toys and things to do and you give her attention as often as you can, she would probably be fine. And cats do sleep about 19 hours a day — even as adults — so don’t worry about that. Cats are relaxation specialists.

If you were thinking of another feline addition to the family, now is the time while she’s still young, and get a younger or same age kitten. The temperament of your kitten will determine what sort of kitten she is most likely to get along with, for example, if she is really dominant you want a more submissive one so as not to cause problems. Ask advice from your vet, the breeder or adoption centre. As with most things, there are no guarantees they will love each other but they will soon work out who’s boss and who gets the best sunny spot to laze in all day!

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Winter weight watchers

Judy Davie

By Judy Davie

For further information about food and nutrition, visit Judy Davie’s website at www.thefoodcoach.com.au

Winter is a hard season to try and lose weight. It’s cold and we seek warm, nourishing food for comfort and warmth, and chocolate to cheer us up. Some diet plans offer a different meal every day of the week when in reality, very few of us want such variety. There’s simply not enough time in the day to buy all the food and prepare it. This plan has been developed for warmth and ease, and for those who really love chocolate. You just have to make a few things and store them to eat throughout the week. And only one bar of chocolate for the week!

This plan should keep you feeling full and satisfied throughout the day. Enjoy!

Weekly diet plan

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Monday

On waking: 350ml glass hot water with lemon juice

Breakfast: ½ cup baked beans in tomato sauce with 1 wholegrain toasted English muffin (pop the bag in the freezer and toast from frozen so they stay fresh for longer) and ½ cup steamed English spinach.

Mug tea or coffee with skim milk

350ml glass water

Morning tea: medium apple, herbal tea

Lunch: 1 serve chicken and lentil soup with 1 slice wholemeal bread. Recipe

350 ml water

Afternoon snack: 1 skimmed milk latte, 1 tub low-fat natural yogurt, 1 mandarin orange.

350ml water

Dinner: ½ cup mashed sweet potato and ½ cup steamed English spinach with 1 braised lamb shank (fat trimmed) slow cooked in stock with carrots and onion. In a pan brown the shanks with the onion in 1 tbs olive oil then cover with stock. Place in the oven and cook in a low heat for 1½ hours.

3 small squares of dark chocolate

Chamomile tea

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Amazing slimmers: Jodie

Diet Club

Jodie’s vital stats

Weight before: 92kg

Weight after: 69kg

Weight lost: 23kg

Clothes size before: 16

Clothes size after: 12

Jodie had six very good reasons for losing a whopping 23kg — her partner and her five children.

Bad news spelt the end of Jodie Minter’s diet plans. “I started to lose weight in January 2005 and was going well until April, but then my father was diagnosed with cancer,” says the 33-year-old chocoholic from Gladstone in Queensland.

“We’re very close and it hit me hard, so I turned back to chocolate.

“That made me think. I have five kids — Jonathon, 16, Andrew, 14, Mathew, 12, Alicia, seven, and Selena, five — and I want to be here for them. They need their mum.”

Jodie hadn’t been happy with her weight since having her last child.

“I never really lost the weight again,” she says. “I couldn’t fit into anything in my wardrobe — just three pairs of pants and a couple of shorts. I was also very depressed … my weight was affecting my confidence. I thought that if I didn’t do something I’d go insane.”

A Big Brother fan, Jodie knew one of the show’s most famous contestants, Sara-Marie Fedele, had lost weight with Betalife, so she decided to follow her example.

She re-started her diet and exercise with a vengeance and has lost more than 23kg.

“I am proud of myself,” beams Jodie, who gets married to Wayne, 39, this week. “I’ve done fantastically. I’ve tried other methods but haven’t stuck to anything like this.”

The key was making dramatic changes to her lifestyle gradually. Jodie now walks four kilometres every day, as well as going to the gym for a kilojoule-burning circuit class and doing 75 sit-ups.

“I’m addicted now!” she smiles.

Jodie has also made changes to her food intake.

“The food I ate was terrible,” she admits. “I’d never eat breakfast and sometimes not lunch either, then I’d pig out from 3pm on. My dinner was always bigger than my partner’s.”

Now her portions are much smaller and she’s eating far more fresh fruit and veg and less bread.

“I feel great!” she says. “I went to a wedding recently and all my aunties and uncles didn’t believe it! When I’m clothes-shopping, it’s very weird picking up size 12s!”

Jodie’s top tip

“Never deprive yourself of anything. If you want something, have it … otherwise you’ll crave it more and more. I’ve not deprived myself of anything, but I do have much smaller portions. You can leave some. It’ll still be there tomorrow!”

By Annette Campbell

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Sophie tells: ‘How I lost my baby weight’

Shedding those extra kilos after giving birth will be easier with Sophie Falkiner’s proven tips.

When Sophie Falkiner gave birth to her lovely daughter Isabella, the weight she wanted to lose wasn’t baby weight. She needed to shift the extra kilos she’d put on while leading an “indulgent” life as a reporter for The Great Outdoors.

“I would spend six months of the year eating out, having wine with dinner and eating desserts often,” she says of her pre-pregnancy life. “I love my food so much, if it’s put in front of me I can’t say no. So I put on a bit of weight when I was travelling with The Great Outdoors even before I fell pregnant.”

But when Sophie, who is married to Pepsi marketing director Tony Thomas, realised she was going to be a mum, she slipped into a body-maintenance routine she hoped would help when Isabella arrived.

“It’s important when a woman is pregnant to concentrate on getting out there and walking,” she says. “It’s really easy to put on a lot of weight very quickly. Do some of the work while you’re pregnant, because you’re too tired when the baby comes.

“I spent 20 minutes walking every day of my pregnancy. I went to a trainer once each week just for half an hour and I did fit-ball exercises where I concentrated on working my core. I would do some arm weights as well.”

Sticking to a well-rounded diet with plenty of healthy fruit and vegetables and all the good oils from food like avocado and nuts helped Sophie to understand the need to feed when you’re pregnant.

Stay in control

“By all means eat, because you have to eat for two,” she says. “But remind yourself how big the second person is — it’s not as big as you.

“Just try and keep yourself nice and healthy if you can. And try not to put on any more than 15kg. I put on 14kg. I’ve got friends who got up into the high 20s and 30s … quite slim girls … and they struggled to get the weight off.

“If you try and put on just those 15 kilograms, 11 kilos is purely baby-related and it’s quite easy to lose those extra four kilograms when you finish breastfeeding because the rest just falls off you.”

After waiting two months for her caesarean scar to heal (she didn’t want to risk a hernia), Sophie joined a group of local mothers for Pramfit, pushing Isabella around Centennial Park in inner Sydney.

“It’s really good for your sanity and your baby’s health to get out there every single day,” she says.

Sophie, who is the face of Berlei, is thanking her lucky stars she didn’t feel pressured to get back into top shape straight after giving birth to Isabella, who arrived some three weeks early.

Don’t rush yourself

“All these Hollywood people who have got down to a size 0 a month after giving birth, I think it’s just ridiculous,” she says. “Be kind to yourself. I was lucky I found it easy. I didn’t push myself.

“The weight just fell off me, thanks to a combination of the fact that Isabella arrived early, that I was recovering from a C-section, that I was stressed about being a good mother and that I didn’t have the time to snack between meals any more.”

By Leigh Reinhold

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I gave away my boyfriend’s dog

I met Tom in a taxi line outside a night club at 2.30am on a cold and wet morning. He asked the crowd if anyone wanted to share a taxi to the suburb next to mine. I eagerly waved and shouted, “I do!”

I had been waiting for over an hour and just wanted to get home to my warm bed. I could not help but notice his good looks and unusually good manners as he opened the door for me. “Where do you live?” he asked and I told him. “Gosh! We are almost neighbours,” he said.

We exchanged a few personal details. He was an accountant, I was a legal secretary. He lived with his parents, I had my own house. He liked jazz fusion and so did I. We felt like old friends when we reached my house. I got out of the car and waved goodbye.

A couple of days later I was curled up in front of a TV game show, winding down after work, when there was a knock at the door. I was surprised to see Tom and with him, a large, black dog. I could not help thinking it was glaring at me. I glanced nervously at the dog and said, “Hi Tom, how nice it is to see you and your friend.”

“This is Max,” he said patting the dog on the head. “We were wondering if you would like to come for a walk with us.”

I stammered, “Oh … err … yes, I would love to.” I thought I heard Max growl, “But does Max want me to come, too?”

“Of course he does, he loves people,” Tom assured me.

“That may be the case,” I thought to myself, “But I don’t like dogs.”

Despite this, the walk was the start of everything. Tom and I dated for three months and then he and Max moved in. The problem was that I was deeply in love with Tom but Max hated me and I hated him. I never discussed Max with Tom; I just pretended to like him as much as Tom.

When they came to stay, so did the photos of Max. My walls were graced with Max as a puppy, as a teenager, dressed in a Christmas paper hat, with sunglasses, in the bath and catching a Frisbee.

A few months later Tom got a job with a mining company. It was a fly-in, fly-out job in the north of the state. I was shattered. But Tom had other ideas.

“Now that I am earning better money I am going to save for a house,” he told me one evening over dinner he had cooked. The candle flame flickered and then he popped the question. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” was my reply but Max growled under the table and I knew that there was one dog too many in this relationship. As I said “yes” to Tom, a plan became clear — I was going to say “no” to Max.

The first week Tom was away I put an advertisement in the Weekly Trader: Good home wanted. Large friendly dog requires a loving home. Owner moving overseas.”

The phone rang early on the morning the Weekly Trader is published. A male voice asked if he could come and see the dog. Bill was a truck driver and wanted a dog to accompany him on long trips. He was delighted when he saw Max and declared he was just what he was looking for. We shook hands and Max was led away out of my life for good.

I rushed to my computer and quickly made some “Lost dog” posters, complete with a photo of Max with a Christmas paper hat on his head — “Lost! Lost! Lost! Owner distressed! Reward for information.”

I jumped in my car and plastered the area with posters. Later I rang Tom and managed to burst into tears as I told him the sad news. How Max had gone missing I couldn’t imagine. One of the neighbours had contacted me to say that he had seen Max getting into a car with a large bearded man, but what this meant I could not understand. “Why would anyone want to steal Max?” I sobbed.

Tom was devastated. He would never have another dog he told me. He could never replace Max. I was secretly relieved — I didn’t like dogs, especially Max. I knew I would never have to share my life with Tom again.

Picture posed by models.

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Skin condition

Question:

My miniature shelty has a really bad flea allergy. Other vets said he might be allergic to a number of things. It’s got to the stage were he’s ripping his hair out near his backside. I bath him every two days but there are still lumps and he’s constantly scratching and also has anxiety problems, Can you think of anything, as I am desperate?

Thanking you,

Scott Carter

Answer:

You need to one by one eliminate possible causes of this terrible skin condition. Firstly, to rule out fleas you need to use a monthly flea spot from your vet, because even one is enough to cause problems and you often don’t see them. You may need to treat the environment if the infestation is bad by vacuuming or spraying, but check with your vet first. If you have done that and after a few days to a week there is no improvement, it may not be fleas but something else.

Just like us, pets can have allergies to anything so it’ll take a bit of ruling things out. You can try a hypoallergenic diet for 12 weeks or your vet can send your dog to a specialist dermatologist vet to do skin prick tests to determine what he is allergic to and make a desensitisation vaccine for him. If the skin has a secondary bacterial infection he may require antibiotics and an antibacterial lotion or shampoo containing chlorhexidine.

Your vet can rule out parasitic infections like mange and ringworm, doing tests if necessary. Bathing every second day is too often and depending on what you are using may be irritating the skin further. Things that may help the itch are oatmeal shampoos, essential fatty acid supplements, antihistamines and steroids, if your vet feels they are necessary.

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Soft foods

Judy Davie

By Judy Davie

For further information about food and nutrition, visit Judy Davie’s website at www.thefoodcoach.com.au

**I urgently need some advice. My son Michael has knocked out three teeth riding his bike and I need to swap his diet to some softer foods. My problem is that the softer the food is, the worse it seems to be for him. He has been making a huge effort to lose weight and I really don’t want him to lose his motivation. I have made him soups for the last few days but that is getting a little boring for him. Any advice would be appreciated.

Lee**

Generally soft foods like custard, ice cream, instant porridge and cheesy sauces have a higher GI and are often full of fat and sugar. But you can still find some better alternatives. You just have to employ some of the gadgets around the house!

He’ll still need five serves of vegetables and two serves of fruit a day, so you may have to grab the slow cooker and food processor to change the nature of these foods so he can eat them.

Stewed fruit is easy — pears and apple cooked in water with some cloves, a little nutmeg and cinnamon, are naturally sweet and can be served for breakfast or as a dessert with yogurt.

Mashed cauliflower or sweet potato are a low-GI alternatives to potato (mashed cauliflower with pear is surprisingly nice). Jerusalem artichokes are a particular favourite. They are softer than potato and because their starch cannot be digested you can eat them without them converting to energy. Boil and peel the artichoke before mashing it or putting it through a blender.

Spinach is great cooked and processed with low fat ricotta. It forms the basis for many Italian dishes usually found wrapped in pastry. You could use it inside a soft omelet made with two fluffed up egg whites and one yolk. That way you reduce the fat content and bump up the protein.

At breakfast make him real porridge with coarse oats and pearl barley (use ¼ cup of each with four cups water). Sweeten it with chopped apple and 1 tbs honey and ½ tsp cinnamon to make it more interesting. Cook it overnight in the slow cooker and it will be ready first thing in the morning. Served with reduced-fat milk, it makes a low-GI, high-fibre and low-fat start to the day. Pureed apple and yogurt would also be nice on the top.

Minced beef or chicken should still be manageable and you can serve it with a soft low-GI grain like freekeh or quinoa*, or mashed beans! Pureed chickpeas, lima or haricot beans are perfect low-fat, high-fibre and low-GI carbohydrate base.

School lunches will be particularly difficult for both of you as there are very few soft and transportable foods other than soup. You would be best to make a few different soups and batch them in individual portions so he can alternate each day for variety. He should be able to handle pasta in minestrone, lentil and pureed vegetable soup.

Semolina is quite a nice soft dessert. Use the smallest amount of sweetener and always cook with low-fat milk.

Most importantly, get him back on that bike!

*Available from the health section of the supermarket.

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Winter diet wonder

There’s no excuse for porking up. Stay slim with these hot tips

With the weather cooling down, it’s easy to reach for comfort foods such as creamy pastas and stodgy roasts.

Sydney-based company Eat Fit Food, which helped actor Brandon Routh stay in shape for the made-in-Oz movie Superman Returns, has great ideas for keeping on track with your diet in the winter chill.

“It’s vital you have a nourishing diet and stay away from the typical winter comfort food,” says Eat Fit Food owner Bianca Monley.

“In season this winter are loads of vegies such as baby carrots, leeks, pumpkin, garlic, Asian greens, beetroot, broccoli and silverbeet. These are all great for you and provide essential vitamins and minerals for good health through winter.”

If you think there is no good fruit around in winter, we’ve got news for you.

“Crisp Pink Lady apples, avocados and citrus fruits like oranges, mandarins and lemons are also in season,” Bianca says.

“Winter is the ideal time to make the most of these types of produce, to create delicious and healthy meals that will help you avoid weight gain.”

Eat Fit Food’s top five suggestions for keeping fit during the cooler months …

  1. Stay hydrated

Spending time inside during winter means more exposure to climate-controlled environments. Dehydration can cause fatigue and it’s easy to confuse thirst for hunger and start snacking. Keep a bottle of water with you and aim to drink eight large glasses a day.

  1. Embrace exercise

Sure, it’s darker and colder outside, but that doesn’t have to end your exercise routine! Regular exercise will improve your mood and help keep your weight stable. If you don’t have a gym membership, there are always heated indoor pools or simply go for a brisk walk three times a week. Just think how good you’ll look and feel when summer returns.

  1. Steer clear of hot drinks

There is nothing like a creamy coffee or hot chocolate on a cold winter morning, but that large (480ml) full-cream latte contains 14g of fat and 1130kJ. A small latte (220ml) has half the fat and kilojoules and swap full-cream for skim milk. Another option is black or green tea. Tea has antioxidants and is low in kilojoules.

  1. Don’t overeat

It’s common to overeat when the weather is cool and combined with a more sedentary lifestyle, it’s easy to put on weight. To avoid overeating later in the day, begin with a high-fibre, balanced brekkie such as porridge with a pear

  1. Beat fatigue

Winter can leave you feeling lethargic. Eat plenty of fresh fruit and vegies, at least two and five serves respectively per day. Fruit and veg are low in kilojoules and full of antioxidants, vitamins and minerals to keep you slim and healthy.

Fit for a king

Try these scrumptious, nutritious meal ideas from the Eat Fit Food winter menu.

Morning meal

Scrambled free-range eggs with smoked salmon and avocado.

Warming winter lunch

Sesame-crusted chicken breast with roast pumpkin and snow peas.

Evening meal

Char-grilled salmon fillet on egg noodles with sesame spinach and lemon.

For more information, go to www.eatfitfood.com.au

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Tattoo revenge

My best friend Claudine and I spent every spare moment together. One night we even got matching navel rings after a big night out. We always swore that we would be best friends forever and that nothing would split us up.

I met Geoff on a night out with Claudine at our favourite club in the city. We were on the dance floor and he sidled right up near us. Geoff was tall with short brown hair and a winning smile. He saw that I was drinking martinis and he bought me one. I played it pretty cool at first but he was bright and funny and I couldn’t help but like him. The feeling was clearly mutual and we exchanged numbers at the end of the night.

I had been burnt by my last relationship and I wasn’t eager to get into another one so quickly. It was Claudine who talked me into seeing him — she spouted off about how attractive and charming he was and I couldn’t help but agree. She told me that I deserved someone nice and that she had a good feeling about him. Claudine was generally a pretty good judge of character — she saw through my last boyfriend as the cheating cad that he ultimately was, even before I had the wit to see it.

I took the plunge and called Geoff. We had coffee and talked for hours and I found it hard not to fall for him. His eyes sparkled when he laughed and he was so handsome. He had also come out of a relationship in which he had been cheated on and so we connected on that level in particular. We started seeing each other regularly and for the first time in a long time, I was really happy.

I did my best not to neglect my friendship with Claudine but soon enough it took a bit of a back seat. If she asked me out and I had already made plans with Geoff, her voice would change and soon it was apparent that she was feeling a bit resentful. I wondered if I was being selfish and Geoff even asked if we should slow things down a little. Claudine eventually stopped talking to me and I got really down about it. Something funny happened though — Geoff started becoming a bit distant as well and I didn’t know what was going on. I confronted him about it but he was elusive and wouldn’t talk about it.

One day I bit the bullet and decided to mend my broken friendship with my best friend. I bought a pizza from Claudine’s favourite pizzeria and picked up a bottle of red. When I knocked on Claudine’s door there was no answer so I went around to the back of the house — something I was in the habit of doing in case Claudine was just in the shower or something and couldn’t hear me knocking. The back door was open as usual and I entered. There was no sign of Claudine but the stereo was playing and her bedroom door was slightly ajar. I guessed she had company over and I didn’t want to disturb her. I was about to write her a note when I saw something that will be burnt into my memory forever — there were Geoff’s pants on the floor. I know they were his because they were his favourite brown cords with a tear just below the right knee. My heart was in my throat and I was both furious and deeply hurt. This was happening again and at the hands of my best friend! I left in a state and went home and cried myself to sleep.

Weeks went by and I had little contact with either of them. Geoff didn’t call, but I saw him once while I was on the way to work. He just pretended not to see me.

Claudine called me once about meeting for lunch but I pretended to be busy. I was so angry at myself for not confronting her but I was confused and upset and I couldn’t think straight. Weeks went by and I got very depressed. I didn’t know what to do. One day I was home alone, drowning my sorrows in a couple of glasses of wine, when Claudine turned up put of the blue. An eerie calm came over me and I managed to talk to her as though nothing had happened. I could see that she had a guilty look in her eye, even though she tried to avoid my gaze. We had a few drinks and suddenly I stood up and said, “Let’s go out!” We hopped a train and went into town. We had some drinks and then some more and soon we were laughing like old times. I kept ordering drinks — doubles for Claudine and singles for myself. Claudine was getting very drunk and I guess that was my plan, even though I didn’t know it yet.

Out of nowhere I suggested that we do something spontaneous and get tattoos and Claudine seemed to love the idea. We went to a seedy tattoo parlour and I spoke to the guy working there about getting Chinese characters tattooed on our left shoulder blades. I told Claudine that it would mark our friendship and that it would mean we were connected “no matter what”. The tattooist wasn’t keen, as we were clearly legless, but I slipped him a little extra money to sweeten the deal and he finally agreed. We walked out with our new markings and I felt as though I was entering a new phase of my life. I haven’t spoken to Claudine since, so I’m guessing she found out what her tattoo actually means. My tattoo says “revenge”, Claudine’s says “cow”.

Picture posed by models.

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