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Real life: Women on the front line

Captain Liz Tuddenham, Military police, Australian Defence Force, age 33. “If you educate the females, they set about changing the world,” Liz says. “They are pretty gutsy, the female teachers.” Photographs: Lorrie Graham for AusAID.

Photographs: Lorrie Graham for AusAID.

Photographs: Lorrie Graham for AusAID.

Photographs: Lorrie Graham for AusAID.

Kate Elliott, Development advisor, Ausaid, age 36. “The camp is quite oppressive – as you can see, you’re surrounded by beige and rubble and dust. It’s like being on a MAS*H base, or some sort of apocalyptic scene.” Photographs: Lorrie Graham for AusAID.

Photographs: Lorrie Graham for AusAID.

Photographs: Lorrie Graham for AusAID.

Kate Elliott, Development advisor, Ausaid, age 36. Photographs: Lorrie Graham for AusAID.

Photographs: Lorrie Graham for AusAID.

Photographs: Lorrie Graham for AusAID.

Photographs: Lorrie Graham for AusAID.

Karina Parker, Australian Federal Police (AFP) inspector, age 34. “These young girls and guys are my true heroes,” she says, approvingly. “They go outside the wire and represent our country with such politeness and friendliness, and they don’t think twice about doing it.” Photographs: Lorrie Graham for AusAID.

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SYTYCD swimwear shoot

After weeks of exhausting dance routines and harsh critiques from the judges, the end of So You Think You Can Dance is in sight for finalists Robbie, Phillipe, Jess H and Ivy.

All four have been fierce about fighting for the SYTYCD crown, but they’re also looking forward to digging into their favourite comfort foods – like YoGo for Robbie, Cadbury Creme eggs for Ivy – and catching up on much needed down time.

“It’s been exhausting to not see daylight for 11 weeks,” says Ivy. “I’m looking forward to just watching DVDs for three weeks,” says Robbie.

But before the dancers can relax, they have to face this week’s nerve-racking finale, when their hopes and dreams will be hanging on Australia’s final decision.

Flick through the pictures to watch our behind the scenes video of the Woman’s Day SYTYCD shoot.

The SYTYCD contestants

The SYTYCD contestants

Final four contestants Jessie Hesketh and Ivy Heeney

Final four contestants Phillipe Witana and Robbie Kmetoni

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My husband thinks I miscarried, when really I had an abortion

Image source: Getty - posed by models

Image source: Getty - posed by models

I was 25 years old and had been married less than a year when I fell pregnant. Stuart and I had been together for 3 years and were married in a small ceremony early in 2002. We had always talked about having a family together and we both came across as ‘kid people’. Stuart had said he wanted a girl and a boy, Molly and Henry. Little did he know, I never wanted kids and hadn’t planned on having them…ever.

I took the pill religiously. My life was like clockwork and contraception was always high on my list of priorities. I’d planned to have a hysterectomy soon after we got married to ensure the nightmare of pregnancy was never realised.

To my regret, I didn’t take action soon enough. A mere 8 months after I became Mrs. Stuart, I found myself praying for menstruation whilst stuck head first down a toilet bowl. The doctor confirmed I was 8 weeks pregnant.

I loved Stuart and never had the intention to hurt or betray him. Although I bestowed a secret that was sure to do both – I could never have a child. Not because I was flawed physically, but because I’ve always had an emotional glitch.

To me, the thought of procreating seemed unnatural. I was always happy to be around children, and was often thought of as someone who would one day make a loving mother. But I never thought of myself as a mother and am perhaps too selfish to ever dedicate my life to the growth of another.

I realised the way I thought about parenthood was typically frowned upon in my circle of friends, family, and most of all by Stuart. I vowed to keep my mouth shut and ensure my real feelings were never discovered.

I’d hoped the honeymoon period would last our entire marriage seeing as children were never to interfere. This delusion was shattered as soon as my doctor announced with glee that in approximately 6 months, I would become a new mother.

I was so determined to never have to consider such a procedure, that I’d never actually thought about abortions. It was strictly against my parents’ religion to even consider such an act, so my first feelings after hearing the dreaded news were complete mayhem.

I went home to Stuart and told him with a fraudulent smile that I was in fact pregnant with his son or daughter. He was over the moon and would not stop kissing my stomach. His actions made me feel even more nauseous than I already was.

It may seem strange looking back on the situation why I would even bother to tell him, he’d be none the wiser. But Stuart was my best friend and lover and because of that I did contemplate keeping the child for no other reason but to please him. This feeling of generosity lasted little longer than my anti-nausea medication.

I tried to convince myself that having a child might bring happiness into my life and that I was devilish to think otherwise. This self-loathing tactic only made me hate the child even more for provoking me to hate myself. It was decided, I could not go through with the pregnancy.

A few days before the procedure I began to fake stomach cramps to ensure Stuart wouldn’t be overly shocked at the event of a miscarriage. I also warned him of the high risk of complications in the first trimester.

All the betrayal and deceit began to eat away at me and a huge ball of guilt made permanent residence in my throat. Regardless of guilt’s acidic ache, I couldn’t face the alternative of bringing a child of my own into the world. I went through with the termination whilst on a prolonged lunch break from work. It was simple and clean and took no longer than an hour.

I went home to my loving husband and allowed the weeks of pent up emotion to overflow in an effort to convince Stuart I was truly devastated as a result of a sudden haemorrhage that occurred on the way home from work. Of course Stuart insisted I go straight to the hospital. I lied and told him I had already gone, where they confirmed I’d lost the baby.

Naturally, he was devastated. His pain only strengthened my guilt which contributed to an uncontrollable outburst of emotions.

Over the next few years we continued to try and conceive, or Stuart thought we had. In actual fact, I’d had a hysterectomy a mere 4 months after my abortion.

My deception had begun to take it’s toll on our relationship and I started resenting Stuart for provoking my lies. I’d wished I’d been honest with my feelings about children, or alternatively married someone who shared my unenthused about procreation mentality.

Stuart and I separated earlier this year. I never confessed the entire truth of my delusive past, but I did admit to never wanting to conceive. This became a hurdle Stuart and I would never overcome and it ultimately broke apart our marriage.

I have since looked into my past and can never quite believe the tumbleweed of lies I spun throughout my marriage. I am now single and vow to ensure honesty is priority in my next relationship.

Lies broke my love and destroyed a life I could have had with an amazingly wonderful and generous man. I do blame myself for everything that went wrong with our marriage, but will never regret not having a child.

Names have been changed. Picture posed by models.

Your say: Have your say about this true confession below…

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True Confessions Agony Aunt: My life is a disappointment

Image source: Getty - posed by model

Image source: Getty - posed by model

Both my husband and I have always worked and we stay in a nice house in a good area but I’ve started to feel really fed up over what we don’t have, rather than enjoying what we’ve got.

One of my closest friends married a man who ended up quite wealthy and I can’t help comparing my life to hers – she only works part time and they have a big fancy house and great holidays but I feel as if we’re just one month’s wage away from the breadline.

We pay the mortgage then do the usual juggle to get the bills and food covered. Sometimes we’re in overdraft or if we go on holiday or have a good Christmas we spend the next six months paying off the credit card.

We always manage but I’d like more than managing. I’m going to be 50 in two years and I look old. My daughters are lovely and I’m very proud of them but that makes me feel worse in a way. They’re at the start of their lives and all I’ve got to look forward to is working to pay off the mortgage and bills and pay for them to go to university.

Is this all there is to life, just plodding on until we retire?

Stop comparing your life to your friend’s unless that inspires you to do something about your own. Either you carry on like this or you do something about it.

Get your health checked out first as anaemia or being run down over could be contributing to this, or you could be suffering from depression to some extent.

Why do you look old? If you’re unfit or not as groomed as you’d like you can do something about that, but if your discontent stems from not looking like your daughters that’s something only you can come to terms with.

Go through your finances and see if you can make any savings; is it worth skipping a holiday and saving instead so you feel in control over cash?

Give yourself six months to make some meaningful changes and if you still feel as gloomy sit down with your husband and plan the future. Nothing is set in stone.

Picture posed by model.

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Good plain scents

Getty Images

Getty Images

Once upon a time lavender was supposed to be the sexiest of scents. Sheets and underclothes were stored with lavender to keep the moths away, and we all know what happens among the sheets.

And then Queen Victoria fell in love with lavender oil. She ordered that every room be polished with lavender and beeswax, so that the scent was with her whenever she — and her young husband, Albert — were indoors.

Nothing connected with the Queen could be sexy, so lavender became respectable again.

Sexy or not, lavender is one of the world’s good scents. There are at least 20 species of lavender bushes, all fragrant, and with a wide range of flowering and growing habits. There is a lavender for every area and every climate, as long as you give them a little care.

Keep lavenders away from tall plants so that they have good air circulation and a full day of sun.

English lavender (L angustifolia) is perhaps the hardiest of lavenders, with deep purple flowers, intensely fragrant and often used for oil, small, pale grey, tough leaves, very stiff stems and always growing to less than a metre. It will grow in subtropical and tropical areas, but probably won’t flower unless it has a period of cold. There are many cultivars of English lavender — white-flowered var alba, pink var rosea , dwarf “hidcote” and richly fragrant, dark-purple flowered “munstead”.

French lavender (L dentata) is more heat tolerant than the English lavenders. French lavender is a sprawling, soft, green-grey bush with longer softer leaves than English lavender and laxer stems and flower spikes. The flowers are bluish purple on long stems and are borne in both winter and summer so that the bush can appear to flower constantly. While still sweetly scented, French lavender hasn’t the power and plenitude of the English lavender.

Italian or Spanish lavender (L stoechas) is about the same height as English lavender, but a more delicate bush, with grey green leaves, much smoother than the indented French lavender leaves, and striking, very dark purple, oblong/ovate flowers — a strikingly different shape from the more common long and gently rounded lavender flower spikes.

Allardii lavender (L allardii) is an incredibly vigorous, but rather coarse, grey-leaved lavender, summer flowering and very fast growing, with deeply indented grey leaves. This is the best lavender for dry sunny banks, or if you know you won’t be able to water it over summer.

Green lavender (L viridis, L stoechas var viridis) is less hardy than most lavenders, a small, soft, green-leafed plant with what appear to be green flowers — really only the bracts are green and the flowers are an insignificant white. It’s a curiosity plant, without the striking flowers, foliage or rich scent of most other lavenders.

Dutch lavender, spikenard, spike (L latifolia or L spica) has silver-grey, largish leaves and fat dark-purple flowers. The scent is not quite as clear as English lavender and, though often used for lavender oil, the quality isn’t quite as good with a hint of camphor and spice as well as lavender.

Other lavenders include the frost tender Canary Island lavender (L mulitifida subspecies canariensis) — one of the best lavenders for subtropical and tropical climates, lemon-scented lavender (L citriodora), L burmannii with camphor-scented leaves, the small, hairy woolly lavender (L lanata) and the frost-sensitive fern-leafed lavender (L multifida).

How to grow lots of lavender

First, choose the right lavender for your area — though hopefully your local nursery will do this for you and only sell the sort that will do best in your climate. You can’t depend on this, though; some nurseries are more rigorously careful with what they stock than others.

Give lavender full sun. In humid areas keep it away from massed garden beds, and grow it either on an airy slope or in an above-ground bed. Most importantly, lavender likes a limey soil, and most Australian soils are acidic. Give your lavender a dusting of lime once every year or two and it will be much hardier.

You can cut the plant back by about a third after flowering every year — that is, cut off the flowers, then cut each branch back by one third. This is also a good time to cut out about a third of the branches of mature bushes. Lavender can get “woody” (develop lots of thick wood that soon dies). A neglected lavender bush may live for three to 10 years. A well-pruned one will last for many decades.

Lavender will tolerate a little light shade, but full sun is really best. Just think of lavender growing down a sunny rocky hillside and you’ll realise what your bushes need to be happy in your garden.

Lavender pillow

This is a lovely pillow to help you sleep. Take a pillow slip or cushion cover, loosely fill with pieces of foam rubber, and an equal quantity of dried lavender flowers, tied up in small bunches. Sew up the side.

The scent should stay for about a year. After that “refresh” it by opening it up again and replacing the old lavender with new bunches.

Your say: Have you grown lavender? Were you successful? Share your lavender craft ideas at [email protected]

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What causes allergies? Experts blame excessive cleaning

What causes allergies? Experts blame excessive cleaning

If you are obsessed with keeping your home or workplace clean and tidy, you may be doing more harm than good when it comes to your health.

Excessive cleanliness has led to a soaring rise in allergies such as hay fever, eczema, hives and asthma in developed countries, a new Canadian study has found.

The University of Montreal’s Dr Guy Delespesse, who conducted the study, said although allergies can be caused by family medical history, pollen, smoking, foods and stress, our limited exposure to bacteria is also contributing.

“There is an inverse relationship between the level of hygiene and the incidence of allergies and autoimmune diseases,” Dr Delespesse said in a media release.

“The more sterile the environment a child lives in, the higher the risk he or she will develop allergies or an immune problem in their lifetime.”

The study found that in the last 30 years, the number of allergy sufferers rose from 10 to 30 percent of the Western population.

But how can excessive cleanliness have a bad impact on our health? Dr Delespesse says the fact is that bacteria assist in growing our immune system.

“The bacteria in our digestive system are essential to digestion and also serve to educate our immune system. They teach it how to react to strange substances. This remains a key in the development of a child’s immune system,” he said.

Dr Delespesse says the trend of excessive cleaning is mainly having an effect on unborn babies and children with one in 10 diagnosed as asthmatic.

He recommends probiotics to enrich our intestinal flora, particularly for pregnant women.

“Consuming probiotics during pregnancy could help reduce allergies in the child,” says Dr Delespesse. “They are not a miracle remedy, yet they are one of many elements that improve our diet and our health.”

For health, beauty, celeb gossip and more, visit:

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True Confessions Agony Aunt: Sexual harassment at work

Image source: Getty - posed by models

Image source: Getty - posed by models

I think the man fancies me, but I get extra money because of it. I found out because I was speaking to one of the other part time members of staff who’s the same sort of age as me and he treats us the same way.

Sometimes he’ll ask us one of to stay on to stock up the shelves when the shop is closed and he’s cashing up and then he’ll do something like push past me to get to the till and put his hand on my bottom as he’s squeezing past.

Or he’ll come into the big stock cupboard when I’m filling up my trolley and lean past me to get something so he’s sort of leaning his body into mine.

The first time he did it I was quite surprised and jumped back and neither of us said anything, but when I was leaving he said he needed to pay me extra for staying on and gave me another $40.

It’s happened a few times now and although it makes me a bit uncomfortable I think he’s harmless and if I’m totally honest I like the money. I hang around for 20 minutes and this dirty old man leans against me and then pays me $40 or $60.

Last week he went a bit further and tried to put his hand up my top and that bothered me but I need my job.

It seems as if you felt you were in charge so it was alright to take the cash, but now there’s a sense of things getting out of control. Could any amount of money honestly make you feel better if things got dangerously out of control and did his friendship with your parents affect your reaction to his behaviour in any way?

He clearly thinks he can get away with if he’s doing it with other members of staff but why do you think so little of yourself you’ll let someone touch you for money?

If he were a stranger it would be easier to deal with in one way, but you must put an end to this for your own safety and self respect. It would be best if he was stopped from doing this to anyone else but that would probably involve getting him charged with sexual assault. That means letting your parents know what’s been happening and possibly even admitting that you let him touch you because you liked the money.

However, you’re a young girl and this situation is the result of this man overstepping the boundaries, especially since one would normally assume he has added responsibility as your parents’ friend.

Speak to the other girl he treats like this and find out if she would also like help to stop him and then speak to the Australian Human Rights Commission for support and advice or to make a complaint about sexual harassment at work, you can also visit the Reach Out website for more information on sexual harassment in the workplace.

Picture posed by models.

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Catherine Zeta-Jone’s sexy shoot

At 40 years of age, Catherine Zeta-Jones isn’t afraid to show off her assets.

The stunning brunette recently stripped off for a racy photo shoot for US woman’s magazine Allure.

The actress, who is currently performing on Broadway in her show A Little Night Music, showed exactly how much of a work-out dancing can be.

The mother of two spoke about husband Michael Douglas and her live performances on the stage.

“That’s when your dancing days and being in theatre pay off,” she told the magazine.

“When you’re doing a quick change, you don’t give a s— who sees you.”

Catherine poses for Allure magazine.

Catherine on the set of the Allure magazine shoot

Catherine was photographed for Allure in 2007 by Photographer Michael Thompson.

Catherine signs autographs after her Broadway play.

She recently chatted to Rachel Ray about the many male actors she has worked with.

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Dicko tells all about his weightloss

Dicko speaks to Woman’s Day about his weight-loss journey and his new outlook on healthy food and living life!

So you got your gear off?

Yeah! It’s all a bit of a daze now. I’ve had three moments in my life where that has happened. One was Dancing with the Stars, when they said, “Will Dicko please take to the floor.” Then there was the first live Idol show, at Rod Laver Arena, with 16,000 people screaming. And today when A Current Affair said, “Okay, it’s time to take your shirt off.” It’s the sort of thing I would never, ever have done before. It was the challenge of it.

Was everybody there with their camera phones?

Oh yeah. Nothing gets past someone with a camera phone these days.

You must be very brave.

Or stupid. Or egotistical. Or all three. You know what it was though? I just wanted to challenge myself. And I thought, “What is the most confronting, challenging thing I could possibly do.” And I thought, “Well, that would be taking my shirt off in public.” I thought I’d do it in Burke Street Mall in the middle of Melbourne — because you can’t get much more public than that.

And then I put my Baywatch swimmers on. They weren’t Speedos, but they were shortie swimmers. The funny thing was, they were red, so it was that whole Baywatch look. I wore red swimmers when I first got into the Jenny Craig thing. I wore them for a photoshoot and lay down. Back then I had a rack to rival Pamela Anderson’s. Now I’m a little more Hasselhoff.

What did you do on your break? Did you go somewhere tropical? Because you look very brown!

Australia is tropical! I went to Boomerang Beach. We always go there. It’s just up at the Great Lakes, which is about three hours from Sydney.

You must feel great, going into a new year having lost so much weight?

Look, I do. There’s such a lot going on in my mind. I feel confident for the first time, really.

Whenever I go into Jenny Craig I see pictures of how I used to look. And I feel almost ashamed now that I was that stupid. It’s really bizarre. I never had a problem with the way I looked before, but like most Australian middle-aged blokes, I was in denial.

But since I have lost the weight, and realised how achievable it is, I feel really embarrassed about the weight I was carrying. I feel really stupid for leaving it so long to do something about it. But those are the only negatives. And they are retrospective. But I feel great about myself.

I just went on holidays and it’s liberating being able to put swimmers on and leave the house and walk on the beach without having to cover up and feel really self-conscious about myself and my man boobs.

But it’s not like I have this amazing body now. But it’s more what it should be. More the way I wanted to look.

How was Christmas and New Year’s Eve this year without drinking and overeating?

You know what? I was over the drinking a long time ago. I gave up last New Year’s Day and that didn’t bother me at all. The eating was a challenge, because it’s a season of feasting and we are a very social family.

We are lots of people and we cook big, big meals. And it was really about getting our head around a different style of meal. My tastes have changed. I no longer crave fat and big sumptuous cuts of meat. I am just as much into the idea of fish and vegetables and salads and stuff.

I am perving on making big crispy salads as much as anything. My wife and my girls have bought into it as well. They are really enjoying the residual benefits of having a dad who is really focused on eating and cooking the right meals.

Have they lost weight too?

I think you go through it. Because I am the cook in the house and I love cooking, it’s up to me to put food on the table. So if I am being selfish and putting the sorts of food out there that I feel comfortable eating, then they are. And everyone in our house has got a bit more health conscious about what they are eating.

How much weight have you actually lost now?

My goal was to lose 15kg and I have lost over that now. I have lost a kilo and a half over that. The real question now is where do I stop and what do I want to do? As I said, I haven’t got a ripped, pristine body. I am proud of what I have achieved. But now I’m thinking, well if I’ve done 15kg and above, what do I want to do next? I am feeling I would like to get another 3kg off and just tone my body.

Are you focusing more on fitness now?

Yes. Toning, and making the body feel and look stronger. And just sexier, really. Muscle tone is sexy. Not that big, crazy bodybuilder approach. Just something that is fit, and lean, and healthy.

I would love to think that I have a body that ends up on the cover of Men’s Health magazine. I set these little goals in my own mind. When you look at those beautiful black and white pictures, of men naked from the torso up, I’m thinking well maybe that’s not such a crazy idea. Maybe I could be. Maybe I could be a real inspiration to middle-aged blokes like me.

How long has this journey been going on for you now?

Not a long time really. I think it’s just since September. So just over five months. And that’s all it’s taken for me to change my whole attitude and my whole focus towards fitness and the sorts of food I eat.

How did you go about doing that?

I was told I had to train, twice a week, and so I enlisted the help of a friend of mine, Natalie Gauci, who was the Australian Idol [in 2007].

So she is a trained personal trainer. She is just starting so I was like this, “How about we help each other out. I will become your first client and you can be my first trainer.” She has been very, very supportive. And she is a friend of mine. Even though I didn’t see her over the holidays, and we were in different cities over the break, she would ring me up once a week and say, “Are you doing your homework? Are you doing your exercise?”

So the tables have really turned?

Yes. Now she is keeping a watchful eye on my behaviour and development, rather than the other way around.

What would be your tips for men wanting to do what you have done?

Well first and foremost: give it a go. I think there are too many blokes my age who are absolutely in denial. Telling themselves that it’s not for them; that it can’t be achieved. That they have gone past the point of no return. But I am living proof that that is not the case. You have got to really want to give it a go.

I think you have really got to trust the people you work with as well. I was really fortunate to work with Jenny Craig and a great consultant, Adele, who understood my lifestyle and my failings and weaknesses. And she didn’t judge me. She just worked with me. And I had complete trust in her, and complete trust in the process.

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True Confessions Agony Aunt: Suffocating girlfriend

Image source: Getty - posed by models

Image source: Getty - posed by models

I was with my girlfriend for five years and we split up for a while but then got back together again. Now I don’t know if it was the right thing to do.

Since we got back together again she has spent every minute she can with me. She won’t let me go to the pub for a drink by myself or go out for a drive with a friend or even go on the computer alone. She goes in the huff when I suggest when I mention going out on my own or her going out with her friends and me staying in by myself. I only get time alone when I am at work.

I really thought that we both wanted the relationship to work when we got back together and I was happy to try and keep her happy but this is getting ridiculous and I’m really starting to resent her.

I don’t want to hurt her but how do I get time to myself? I’m not up to anything I shouldn’t be and I want us to be happy but this isn’t the right way to live. None of my friends seem to have this problem and all the couples I know spend time apart.

I always found her a lot of fun when she was more sociable and I liked hearing the chat about what she got up to with her friends but now all she seems to talk about is us and how we have to make an effort to make this work. I don’t think we will be together for long if this doesn’t change.

You haven’t mentioned why you split up before and whether this type of behaviour was a problem, but if it wasn’t then something major must have happened for her to change so dramatically if she didn’t behave like that previously.

Start the conversation by emphasising that you want to stay together but don’t be accusing; instead of saying ‘you make me feel you don’t trust me…’ say ‘ I can’t help feeling that you don’t trust me.’

Most couples have separate lives as well as the time they spend together and you did in the past, so you need to find out what has changed and if there is a solution. Hopefully, this is something you can sort together, but if she cannot explain why this is happening or is unwilling to change then you have to decide whether or not you can live like this.

Picture posed by models.

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