It’s far easier to be a rubbish parent than a good one, the struggle to parent effectively without falling out with your kids can sometimes just feel too hard.
The older they get the more you have to worry about and it sometimes seems much easier just to let them run riot, horrible though the consequences might be. Being constantly on their backs can be exhausting so giving up on discipline for the sake of peace seems very attractive.
But alas we all know this route will inevitably end in some sort of disaster so here’s some tips for managing those tricky parenting problem areas.
With toddler tantrums, go down to the child’s level and speak calmly and clearly, keeping instructions short and simple. Stay consistent, don’t give in to screaming, and be prepared to be friends once it’s over.
Children learn that actions have consequences from around three years of age. Hitting or biting should be dealt with by a time-out, where a child is put to sit by themselves for a minute for every year of their lives, or by withdrawing privileges.
Nurture confidence from an early age by letting them take the lead in shops, learning how to speak politely and clearly and try and eat out sometimes so they know how to talk to people and also realise what’s acceptable in public.
Encourage them to get involved in activities which involve public speaking which mean they have to organise something and make themselves heard, such as taking drinks orders at family gatherings.
Keep communicating, listen to what they’re saying and expect them to do the same to you. Try to be reasonable, compromising on the small things can make it easier to get the more important things done.
So the teenager who resents being picked up by her parents can agree to them waiting around the corner, thus saving face in front of her friends but still being safe.
The issues where compromise won’t work are the hardest, such as not letting young people be exposed to R18+ rated films so you have to explain that some rules are there to keep people safe but be willing to discuss different approaches as they get older. Maybe you won’t have TVs or computers in bedrooms but if a teenager comes up with good exam results that can be discussed again or if younger children can go out to play and be home at the right time, further freedom can be granted.
If the worst happens do it all calmly and without fighting or covering old ground. You’re not meant to be your child’s best friend and rules and limitations are a big part of loving them.
Tom Cruise stunned onlookers last weekend when he took part in an impromptu dance-off at his friend’s wedding – but it’s not the first time he’s embarrassed himself in public.
The 49-year-old actor is famous for his questionable public behavior and never seems embarrassed by the mortifying things he does.
From the infamous “couch jumping” incident on The Oprah Winfrey Show in 2005, to accidentally farting on live TV in 2008, Tom can’t seem to stop humiliating himself.
Here are some of his most outrageous incidents.
Tom Cruise
Tom professes his love for Katie Holmes to Oprah in 2005.
A pirated video of Tom rambling about his love of Scientology became a viral hit in 2008.
Tom dancing with Jennifer Lopez at the 2010 MTV Movie Awards.
Tom laughed so hard he farted on *Late Night with David Letterman* in 2008.
Tom laughed so hard he farted on Late Night with David Letterman in 2008.
Tom hams it up as rocker Stacee Jaxx in upcoming movie *Rock of Ages*.
Tom hams it up as rocker Stacee Jaxx in upcoming movie Rock of Ages.
Tom during his dance-off at producer David Ellison’s wedding.
Tom kept speaking through two attempts to get him offstage at the 2007 Bambi awards.
Tom lost his temper during a *60 Minutes* interview with Peter Overton in 2005.
Tom lost his temper during a 60 Minutes interview with Peter Overton in 2005.
Tom criticised Brooke Shields’ use of anti-depressants in 2005, saying mental illness was a myth.
Tom later exploded when US *Today* show host Matt Lauer brought up Shields in an interview.
Tom later exploded when US Today show host Matt Lauer brought up Shields in an interview.
Feeling fat and frumpy? Celebrity stylist Gok Wan is here to help you banish those feelings forever with his top tips for looking fabulous no matter how old you are (or what those numbers on the scale say).
AWW: What are the three biggest fashion mistakes women make?
Gok: Not dressing for your body shape, not dressing for your body shape And not dressing for your body shape! It’s the biggest and most common mistake I see women make every day. Far too many gorgeous women hide their best asset and make themselves look larger!
AWW: Lots of women lose their body confidence as they get older or after having children — what can they wear to start feeling good about themselves again?
Gok: Here are Gok’s Golden Rules for those that need a confidence boost:
Form an honest relationship with the mirror
Buy yourself some good underwear
Clear out all the rubbish from your wardrobe
Learn what your body shape is.
Go shopping and buy items that will show off your best bits
AWW: Do you have some fast tips to update your wardrobe without spending too much money?
Gok: Simple solution — accessorise! There are so many amazing accessories this season that can really lift your outfit taking your look from simple to sensational. Reinvent your wardrobe favourites with a bright scarf, statement neckpiece or clutch and when in doubt, you can never go wrong with a fabulous pair of killer heels!
AWW: How old is too old for short skirts and cleavage?
Gok: For me, age isn’t important: it’s all about accentuating your best assets, whether it’s womanly curves or killer pins. While I wouldn’t recommend a plunging neckline or mini-skirt for a more mature lady, it’s really about finding your comfort zone and working within that.
AWW: Support undergarments: figure-fixing miracle or uncomfortable myth?
Gok: A figure-fixing miracle! A great look always starts with great underwear. There are many great support garments on the market that there is no excuse to settle for uncomfortable underwear!
AWW: Lots of women have wardrobes bursting with clothes, but still don’t have anything to wear. What is your advice for editing down your closet and what should you restock it with?
Gok: First and foremost, if it hasn’t been worn in over 12 months it has to go. An overstuffed wardrobe of unworn items only creates clutter and prevents you from recognising your fabulous favourites. And if it doesn’t fit, get rid of it. There’s no use holding onto that ‘dream’ pair of pants if they’re ultimately not right for your body shape. Focus on items that fit well and flatter your figure.
AWW: What are your tips for dressing a fuller figure?
Gok: The common error that many fuller-figured women make is hiding what they’ve got! Understanding your body shape is key. Whether you’re a big-bottomed beauty, a round, luscious apple or a top heavy inverted triangle shape, the rules are the same: Draw attention away from the areas you want to hide by bringing the focus to your best bits. If you’re blessed with a great bust, then don’t be tempted to cover it up — go for wraparound dresses that show a little cleavage (but not too much) and invest in a good quality bra to keep your best assets firmly in place. If it’s a generous lower half that you’d like to play down, accentuate your waist and disguise a big bottom with a swirly full skirt. The curvy figure really is back with a vengeance so ladies, if you’ve got it flaunt it!
AWW: We’re coming into summer — what can more mature women wear to work to keep cool without flashing too much flesh?
Gok: We’re all in charge of our wardrobes, girls, not the other way around! It’s simply a matter of seeing what works best for you and what showcases your beautiful bod best. And, remember babes, natural fibres are your best friend! Cotton and linen breathe and feel gorgeous, so drape yourself in them. Find a maxi in a light, summer fabric and with a big and bold print or be daring in a flowing kaftan, just remember to cinch it in at the waist with a pretty belt.
AWW: How can more mature ladies adapt the new season fashions without looking like mutton dressed as lamb?
Gok: The key is dressing for your shape regardless of the trend you want to adapt. And remember you don’t have to go top-to-toe in the latest trends to be considered fashionable.
Gok Wan is in Australia from today until October 16 on his second Westfield Style Tour, which will see him jetting around the country to advise women on this season’s hottest trends. For dates and times at your local centre, visit Westfield’s website.
Your say: Do you have any style questions? Post them below and we’ll do our best to answer them for you.
Video: Gok Wan launches new style-by-shape website
Since the first series of Big Brother Australia aired in 2001, the nation has been in the grips of reality TV fever — but are the constant arguments and vicious gossip captured on today’s hit shows making our kids mean?
Parenting expert and psychotherapist Robi Ludwig is convinced the bad behaviour flaunted in popular programmes like Jersey Shore, The Real Housewives and The Only Way is Essex is negatively influencing teen audiences.
While girls might not imitate the violent brawls seen on their favourite shows, Ludwig says they do mimic other behaviour because TV tells them that “nasty and mean” girls are the most popular.
“Relational aggression, which is very common amongst girls, is where there’s increased gossip and being nasty to one another,” Ludwig told the US Today show yesterday.
“The truth is, if kids are watching these kinds of interactions, the message is ‘You’re popular if you’re nasty and mean.’ Girls who identify with that will certainly make that a part of their mental script.”
Ludwig says it is up to parents to make sure their daughters don’t become mean girls. She recommends watching shows with children and pointing out the negative consequences of TV character’s gossiping and nastiness.
“If parents train their kids to think critically, that makes all the difference in the world,” Ludwig says.
“Train your child to say, ‘How do you think the victim feels in this situation?’ Then you’re really teaching empathy and you’re using what’s part of this media diet in an effective way.”
Your say: Do you think reality TV shows are making girls nastier?
As most parents know, kids can sometimes do the cutest things!
Take this little girl, who took it upon herself to clean up after her fellow flower girl who is dropping flower petals down the aisle.
To the enjoyment of guests and the wedding party, the adorable little girl makes sure she picks up every rose petal before she gets to the end of the aisle.
Has your child done something cute lately? Share it in the comments box below.
He said the mysterious death of his two wives was just bad luck, but “evil husband” Tom Keir was finally brought to justice after 15 years, thanks to a tireless police officer and devoted mum. Here, they tell their story to Jordan Baker.
She was marrying the man she loved, the man who had been devoted to her since they met, four years earlier, the father of her unborn baby. Yet Jean Strachan was strangely jittery on her wedding day, remembers her mother, Christine.
Jean sobbed as she showered, shaking so badly that her freshly shaved legs were covered in cuts. “It was like, deep inside, she was scared,” her mum says.
Christine will never know whether these were the normal nerves of a bride-to-be, or whether instinct was telling her daughter to run far, far away from her husband-to-be, Thomas Andrew Keir.
Jean went ahead with the wedding and had a son, but three years later, she disappeared. Tom said his wife had run off with another man and her mother wanted to believe him.
Christine introduced her grieving son-in-law to her cousin’s daughter, Rosalie, hoping that if Tom moved on with someone else, Jean would return.
Tom and Rosalie married, but there was still no sign of Jean. Eighteen months later, Rosalie was found dead in a house fire with a cord around her neck.
As Detective Peter Seymour arrived at the charred house that would haunt him for decades, the significance of the situation dawned on him.
“We have a dead second wife and a missing first wife — we’ve got a huge problem here,” he said.
Tom Keir lived down the road from Clifford and Christine Strachan in Sydney’s western suburbs and employed Christine at the furniture factory he managed.
One morning, he popped into their house with some cushions for repair and was greeted at the door by the Strachans’ 15-year-old daughter Jean, who went to find her mother.
“Mum, there’s a man at the door and he’s the ugliest man I’ve ever seen,” she said. “He looks like Frankenstein. He has one big long eyebrow.”
For Tom, however, it was love — or at least obsession — at first sight. His attentions were subtle at first; he would chat to Jean when she waited for her mother at the factory, give her chocolates and pay her generously to make buttons after school.
He could be charming and, slowly, his charm worked on Jean. He was eight years her senior, but at first, her mother didn’t worry about their friendship; the Strachans were simple, trusting folk.
“He seemed a good fellow,” Christine remembers. “Girls didn’t like him. I felt sorry for him. Even at work, they would laugh at him.”
When Tom asked Jean to the movies, her father insisted he also take her two sisters, brother and mother, which he did happily for years. “As long as he had Jeannie with him, that’s all that mattered,” says Christine.
On Jean’s 16th birthday, Tom arrived on the Strachans’ doorstep with 16 red roses, a bottle of champagne for Christine and a case of beer for Cliff.
Weakened by Tom’s persistence, Cliff told him that if he was to court Jean, he expected a case of long necks each week. For the next three years, a case arrived every Saturday.
On Jean’s 17th birthday, Tom delivered 17 red roses and on her 18th, he gave her an engagement ring. Her parents did not object to the marriage — by then, Jean was pregnant.
Seven Bones, by Peter Seymour and Jason K. Foster, is published by Big Sky Publishing on October 1, $24.99.
Read more of this story in the October issue of The Australian Women’s Weekly.
Darren and Jacqui Bate with their adopted daughter Irani.
Abandoned as a toddler on the streets of Calcutta, Irani’s future was bleak until an Australian couple decided to adopt her. Jordan Baker charts the bureaucratic nightmare that almost destroyed a little girl’s chance of a new life.
Irani Bate’s first years on earth will forever remain a mystery. No one knows anything of her parents, her siblings, or even the year of her birth.
The time Irani officially appeared was when the little girl, then aged around three, arrived at a halfway house in Calcutta on February 7, 2008, caked with dirt, wheezing from bronchitis and riddled with scabies.
“Her past could have been anything,” says Jacqui Bate, the woman who would later volunteer to be Irani’s mother. “Her parents could have died. All we know is that no one ever claimed her.”
When Darren and Jacqui Bate, a childless couple from the Brisbane Valley, heard the story of the little orphan with the “sad, sad eyes”, they knew she was the child they wanted to adopt.
They felt they could give her the love and security she had never known, and had the support of family, friends and adoption agencies in Queensland and India.
The only hurdle was the Australian government’s inexplicable refusal to allow Irani into the country.
The Bates knew the process of adopting a child from overseas would be slow and frustrating, as it has been for so many Australian couples.
Yet they lived a new kind of nightmare — one caused by bureaucratic insistence that even though Australia accepts the poor, the sick and the elderly, it did not want this little girl.
At the best of times, overseas adoption is daunting. Welcoming a child from another country and culture, especially an older one, means taking on challenges and responsibilities beyond those of other parents.
Then there is the gruelling application process itself; after the introductory seminar, the couple must compile a dossier that describes their whole lives, detailing their most intimate thoughts and feelings — their religious beliefs, how they met, their employment histories and family relationships.
They are assessed in a series of interviews. Then the case worker’s report, coupled with bank statements, police checks and marriage certificates, plus signed statements from appointed guardians in the event of their death, are sent to one of eight approved agencies in India.
The Bates did all this and then they waited. And waited. And waited.
When they did not hear back, the case worker suggested they consider a “special needs” child, a category covering everyone from children with HIV to sibling groups.
Given Darren’s experience as a teacher’s aide at a school for troubled children and his many colleagues willing to support them, the Bates felt best able to handle a child with emotional or behavioural needs.
Less than a month later, they were invited to read a file on a little girl. She was a pretty thing, with big, beguiling eyes, but her details were confusing.
There was nothing known of her life before she arrived at the orphanage three years ago. Orphanage workers didn’t even know how old she was and guessed between three and six.
The main concern for the Bates was an IQ test that put Irani’s score at a low 53. Yet when Darren consulted the child psychiatrists he worked with, they said the test was obsolete; it was designed for older people and was incapable of assessing a child like Irani. Moreover, traumatised children are often wrongly diagnosed as having lower intelligence.
Darren and Jacqui decided to proceed. With the support of Queensland and Indian authorities, they sent off their final application. The adoption was approved.
The Bates booked their flights to Calcutta for May 15 last year. At the end of April, the phone rang. While the adoption was approved, the Immigration Department had refused Irani an entry visa.
Using the assessments of Irani when she had first arrived at the orphanage, the Medical Officer of the Commonwealth deemed she might one day struggle to hold a job, rely too heavily on community services, or perhaps need 24-hour care. She had the potential to cost taxpayers $1.2 million, he ruled.
The Bates were left in the painful situation of having the adoption legally recognised by India, but being unable to bring their daughter into the country.
Yet adoption workers quietly alerted the Bates to another option, a loophole just opened by the Indian High Court. India can now issue a so-called certificate certifying that the adoption is fully recognised under the Hague Convention, which confers on a child the same rights as a biological child, including citizenship of the parents’ country of birth.
The Bates applied for and received the certificate, the first non-Hindu Australian couple to do so. Australia is a Hague Convention signatory and therefore could not quibble. The Bates were able to apply for a visa without having to get clearance from the Commonwealth Medical Officer.
The Bates flew to India just before Christmas. Irani bonded with them almost immediately and photographs from their meeting show joy on all their faces. In January, they brought Irani home.
While they were away, the Migration Review Tribunal handed down its decision. It had found in favour of the Bates, saying specialists had found Irani to be intelligent, attentive and co-operative, and that there was “compelling evidence” that the little girl would not be a burden on Australian taxpayers.
This story has had a happy ending. Safe in the knowledge she is now welcome in Australia, Darren and Jacqui are embracing parenthood and Irani is settling into her new home.
“She’s definitely a bright girl,” says Darren. “She takes on new environments and challenges easily. She’s running through the paddocks with her gumboots and little denim shorts on. She’s a wonderful part of our life.”
Weights and treadmills won’t be every octogenarian’s cup of tea, but Liz Deegan’s 83-year-old mother has found a new lease of life working out at the gym.
It’s not often my mother surprises me. We talk most days and I like to think we’re pretty close. She knows what I’m doing, what I’m feeling, what I’m cooking and reading, and vice versa.
We share a mutual understanding of activities and attitudes — or so I thought.
Who then was this woman on the other end of the phone several weeks ago who, in answer to an enquiry about her day pronounced, “I’ve joined the gym”.
The gym? What sort of gym? “How many sorts of gyms are there?” she replied. “A gym with weights and treadmills, of course.”
It took a few seconds to get my breath back. I appreciate this may not be so remarkable for many mothers, but mine is 83. It’s not exactly a common demographic for gym membership.
To be fair, she wasn’t a couch potato — there were weekly aquarobics sessions and regular walks — but a gym with steppers, cycles and circuit classes is in a totally different league.
“Have you actually been inside it, Mum?” I asked, hoping like hell she hadn’t been conned into a two-year contract by a 6pm call centre spruiker.
I should have given her more credit. Not only had she been inside, she’d done a trial class, met the instructor, made new friends, studied the timetable and committed herself to two sessions a week to begin with.
Sensibly though, she decided to only sign for three months, just to be sure she liked it. Oh, and she’d been to the local sports shop and bought her first pair of gym-suitable trainers. Seriously? Had we met?
A few weeks later and she was buying protein powder at the health food shop, rethinking her exercise wardrobe and discussing weight-lifting technique.
There’s even talk of going alone, not just doing the group classes. “I’m enjoying it, feeling quite good,” she tells me.
While I used to encourage Mum to do more, now it’s my exercise regimen under scrutiny and she’s the one gently urging me to get physical.
Oh, and lose weight. I certainly didn’t see this coming. You see, 15 months ago, she lost her eldest daughter to melanoma. We didn’t see that coming, either.
The trauma of that sudden, savage death and the ensuing grief exacted a heavy toll. The light went out in Mum’s eyes and I wondered if we’d ever see it shine again. It will never fully return — how could it? — but at least now there’s a flicker of her old spirit and determination.
I’m still surprised, but even more proud.
Read more of this story in the October issue of The Australian Women’s Weekly.
Your say: Do you know anyone who has become a gym junkie later in life?
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