Forget happily ever after — women would rather live their lives in misery with an empathetic partner.
A new Harvard University study has found women are far more satisfied with their relationships when their partner shares their anger or unhappiness.
Men, on the other hand are pleased when their partner is happy, but would rather not know if their other half is feeling down.
“It could be that for women, seeing that their male partner is upset reflects some degree of the man’s investment and emotional engagement in the relationship, even during difficult times,” study leader Shiri Cohen said.
“This is consistent with what is known about the dissatisfaction women often experience when their male partner becomes emotionally withdrawn and disengaged in response to conflict.”
Researchers from Harvard Medical School studied 156 heterosexual couples from a wide range of cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds.
Each participant was asked to describe a time their partner had upset, disappointed or frustrated them in the past few months.
The couples then came together to view their partner’s statement and asked to discuss them. Their conversations were recorded.
Each couple then watched the tape of their discussion and were asked to rate how they felt at different points in the talk on an 11-point scale ranging from ‘very negative’ to ‘very positive’.
Using these ratings, the researchers selected six clips from the tape that had the highest positive and negative emotions by each partner and asked them to complete a detailed survey describing their feelings, as well as their overall satisfaction with their relationship and whether they felt their partner was empathetic.
Unsurprisingly, the researcher found that relationship satisfaction was directly linked to a man’s ability to read his female partner’s emotions correctly.
Unexpectedly, women were far more likely to be satisfied with their relationship if their partner was upset than if their partner was happy.
But while women were pleased when their partners were upset or angry, men were far less satisfied with an unhappy other half. Male respondents reported much higher satisfaction levels when their partners were happy.
Cohen says the findings show the benefits of trying to be more empathetic to your partner.
This study was published in the Journal of Family Psychology.
Your say: What makes you feel satisfied in your relationship? [email protected]
Falling pregnant should have been the most fantastic thing that had ever happened to us. I was happily married and we had been planning this baby for two years, however I was still recovering emotionally from a devastating second trimester miscarriage, when we discovered that I was six weeks pregnant.
Because I had only recently gone through the difficult task of telling everyone we had lost our first baby, I told my husband that I was reticent about revealing this pregnancy to family and friends, but inside I knew I was keeping it quiet because I couldn’t let myself celebrate and bond with this baby until I was certain I wasn’t going to lose her like I had lost our first daughter 19 weeks into the pregnancy.
After my 20-week ultrasound scan showed everything was okay, I finally ditched the loose, baggy tops and announced the pregnancy to family and friends, but I still never experienced that elation that I thought was expected when a new mum shared the news of her pregnancy with her family.
When I finally went into labour, I had read every pregnancy and birth book, religiously attended antenatal classes with my wonderful, supportive husband, and spent weeks designing the perfect nursery.
But it still didn’t feel real — I felt pregnant but I didn’t feel like a mum-to-be yet. I kept telling myself it would come, but deep down I was already starting to question whether I was a ‘natural’ mother and if I would be able to bond with this baby when it was born.
After a straightforward 10-hour labour, my beautiful, healthy daughter was born. My first emotion was bewilderment and when the nurses placed her on my chest I almost asked where they had found this baby they were handing to me.
I spent my first night in hospital wondering what I was supposed to do with this tiny being, and accepted her for feeds almost automatically without feeling any connection to her. When we came home, things were no better. I did all the things expected of me — attended mothers group, went to swimming lessons, took her to see great grandparents and accepted help from my mother-in-law who was fantastic providing meals and doing laundry for me.
My husband travelled regularly for work and was often away for days at a time. It was these long nights alone when I started to worry. It started with little things — I imagined dropping my baby on the tiled floor, spilling a hot cup of tea on her while she was in her bouncer or having her fly out of her car seat in an accident.
Then it became more persistent — if she snuffled or gurgled at night I would imagine that she had choked, but was too scared to check on her and discover the worst.
As she started to sleep through the night, I would wake up in the morning feeling sick, certain that she was lying cold and dead in her cot.
The worst thing about these irrational fears was that my overwhelming emotion was relief. I was convinced that if she had died, it was probably for the best that she didn’t have to tolerate being raised by a mother as bad as I was.
I didn’t tell anyone about these fears, and I certainly didn’t identify them as postnatal depression. In my mind, depression involved lying in bed in your dressing gown all day surrounded by piles of tissues.
I was functioning really well, attending mothers’ group, shopping, cooking and socialising. My husband had no idea anything was wrong — even when he was home, all he saw was a busy, active mum taking care of her new baby.
I didn’t share any of my horrible thoughts about my daughter because I was convinced that people would think I was crazy, and I was certain that nobody would understand.
After about six months, the feelings subsided somewhat, and as my daughter got older and became more interactive and responsive, I developed a stronger bond with her. Now that she is three years old, I feel like the most connected, engaged and happy mother imaginable.
I have recently fallen pregnant again, and of course, I’m worried that this problem might repeat itself, so I am preparing myself for the problem to rear its ugly head again. Being more aware of it, I am hoping that I can avoid a relapse, and truly enjoy my first few months with my new baby.
Your say: Have you had a similar experience? Share your stories and thoughts below.
The Block’s Josh and Jenna wanted their big day to be lots of fun for guests, and boy, did they deliver! Clare Rigden was there to help them celebrate.
They were known as the couple who argued all the time on last year’s series of Nine reno show The Block. They even named their interior design business “Bicker Design Co”! But thankfully, when it came to their wedding day, not a harsh word was uttered by either bride Jenna Whitehead or her groom Josh Densten. “No mishaps, no arguments – nothing!” 25-year-old Josh laughs. “It was some kind of record!” adds an astonished Jenna, 24.
“I think it’s going to be the one and only day in our whole lives that we didn’t bicker. No arguments at all – amazing!” she says. Of course, they always knew there wouldn’t be – after all, this was the day they’d both been looking forward to ever since Josh famously popped the question to his girlfriend in front of three million people on live TV during the finale of The Block in August last year.
A little over five months later, on February 10, the couple tied the knot in front of 90 friends and family in a gorgeous ceremony at The Convent in Daylesford, Victoria – a little over an hour’s drive from Melbourne. “We’ve been pumped for so long,” says Josh. “It’s not all that often that you get all your family and friends together to celebrate something that’s really just between Jenna and me. It’s very exciting.”
So, was he nervous before the big day? “Look, nothing could be as nerve-racking as proposing to Jenna on TV,” he says, with a laugh. “So no, actually, I felt very calm.”
The couple wanted the day to be as much fun as possible for their guests, many of whom had made the big trip from Albury-Wodonga, Jen and Josh’s original home town on the border of Victoria and New South Wales. Although they chose a vintage, country feel for their wedding, the pair also wanted it to reflect their personalities. So some whimsical details made their way into the proceedings, including a homemade lemonade stand, a photo booth with dress-ups – and an enormous serve-yourself candy bar!
Find out what was on the menu as well as the other clever DIY touches the couple gave their big day, plus more photographs of the wedding party and venue, in this week’s issue of Woman’s Day on sale Monday March 5, 2012.
Juggling her exhausting workload and young family saw the style queen suffer a startling meltdown on Oscar night, prompting David to order her to “get help now”.
It’s the most sparkling night of the year for the showbiz A-list, an evening where even the most famous faces on the planet are swept along by the glitz and glamour of the Academy Awards.But amid a sea of smiling superstars at this year’s Oscar after-parties, one celebrity stood out for all the wrong reasons. Posing on the red carpet, Victoria Beckham looked distinctly downcast at the exclusive Vanity Fair bash, while her husband David’s smile seemed forced.
And now Woman’s Day can reveal the real reason why Posh appeared far from pleased to be part of the glittering celebrations – she had suffered an emotional meltdown just moments before the event. In a startling insight into how the former Spice Girl is struggling, despite her seemingly perfect life, sources close to the 37-year-old have Woman’s Day that the fashion designer and mother of four reached crisis point on the day of the Academy Awards.
Now, a deeply concerned Becks is considering taking drastic measures. Insiders have revealed that the soccer legend is contemplating staging an intervention with the aim of sending Posh to a rehab facility. “It may sound drastic to talk about interventions, but if she doesn’t slow down soon, something may have to be done to make her get the help she needs,” says one friend.
Adds another pal: “The plan is… some of us, including David, will sit down with Victoria and have a chat with her about slowing down. We want to start off easy with her so that she doesn’t rebel. Yes, it is an intervention, but we’re not going to give her ultimatums. We want her to go away to a facility where she can eat and rest and focus on her emotional and physical health for a while.”
Find out what David said that pushed emotional Victoria over the edge and the recommended therapy for her problems, in this week’s Woman’s Day on sale Monday March 5, 2012.
There’s no sign of “double trouble” from this adorable pair… they’re inseparable, and they even have their own private language.
As three-year-old Vivienne Jolie-Pitt stepped into the luxury Beverly Hills children’s boutique, she grabbed the hand of her leather jacket-clad twin brother, Knox, and squeezed it tight with excitement. Her eyes widened as a pastel-pink silk taffeta tutu came into view. Turning to her famous mum, she exclaimed, “Look, Mommy, a princess dress!”
If the Academy gave out Oscars for the Most Adorable Performance by a Toddler, it’s safe to say Viv would need to have a speech ready. The previous night, mum Angelina Jolie and dad Brad Pitt had been star attractions on the red carpet, but Viv and Knox remain blissfully unaware of the excitement of the awards night. Ange explained in one interview that she had told her tribe of children she and their dad were simply “going to work” and the little ones had replied, “Hurry home!”
Oblivious to their parents’ superstardom, the twins were last week much more excited over a day out with their mum and their grandmother, Jane Pitt. It was a chance for them to be spoiled while their four older siblings – Maddox, 10, Pax, 8, Zahara, 7, and Shiloh, 5 – stayed at home with Brad. It was most definitely, as they call it, “twin time”.
Once inside Auntie Barbara’s Kids, the exclusive LA children’s store, the two youngest members of the multicultural Jolie-Pitt clan were excitedly babbling away to one another about the luxury wares on display. While it was easy for Ange and Jane to understand Vivienne’s excitement about the princess dress, or Knox’s instant devotion to a dinosaur T-shirt – “This one’s got Rex on it,” he shouted – much of their discussion was completely unintelligible because it was in the secret “twin language” the pair have devised.
Read more about the twins’ cute quirks and very individual personalities including which one has a temper and who likes playing with mummy’s lip glosses, in this week’s Woman’s Day on sale Monday March 5, 2012.
Veteran royal reporter JUDY WADE reveals how the Duchess of Cambridge is finally thriving in her new role, with help from Wills, a circle of guardian angels, and her cute cocker spaniel.
Taking her beloved cocker spaniel puppy Lupo for a stroll through Kensington Gardens, bodyguard in tow, the Duchess of Cambridge’s grin shone out from beneath her favourite wide-brimmed bush hat (see the exclusive pictures in this week’s Woman’s Day).
“Kate looked so relaxed and happy, like she was completely in her element,” one astonished onlooker reported. “You can tell she is smitten with the gorgeous pup. At one point, a little girl rushed over to pet Lupo. Kate gave her one of her beautiful, warm smiles… She looked proud that her little dog had become the centre of attention.” For all her fears of being left alone while her husband completes daring air force missions in a distant land, it seems the duchess has never been happier. And it’s not only because she’s got Lupo – a pre-Christmas gift from her parents, Michael and Carole Middleton – to cuddle while Prince William is away.
A thoughtful Wills has ensured she now also has a friend in her camp, someone who always has her back, in the shape of her Assistant Private Secretary, Rebecca “Becca” Deacon. Officially, Becca’s role is to help Kate, 30, in her public duties, doing everything from carrying a spare lipstick to taking gifts from well-wishers. But the prince, who helped Kate select the 29-year-old, knows she will play a much more important role in his wife’s life.
“William has never forgotten the way his mother was left to cope without any support from courtiers,” a palace source reveals. “He is determined that will never happen to Kate, even though it has brought him into conflict with officials from time to time. “He wants to surround Kate with people she can trust. This has always been important to him, but even more so as they look to have children. He wants Kate to feel totally secure so she can focus on the family. Becca helps give them that security.”
See the exclusive pictures of Kate walking with Lupo, plus read all about her stripper cousin scandal in this week’s Woman’s Day on sale Monday March 5, 2012.
The miserable life of fashion assistants was immortalised in The Devil Wears Prada but even that wasn’t enough to stop Princess Beatrice becoming one.
The 23-year-old royal — the daughter of Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson — is completing a series of unpaid internships in fashion and fine arts in a bid to find a full-time job.
“Princess Beatrice is in the middle of several periods of work experience with the aim of securing employment in a field close to her heart,” a Buckingham Palace spokesman said in a statement.
“These are her choices and she is fully supported by her parents. Like many thousands of her university contemporaries, she is fully committed to finding employment.”
Buckingham Palace did not disclose where Beatrice was working, but it’s hard to imagine the queen’s granddaughter fetching coffees and running around in high heels picking up clothes.
Beatrice’s much-maligned sense of style (remember her wacky royal wedding hat?) would also seem a major barrier to a successful career in fashion.
Beatrice graduated from Goldsmiths College London last year with a degree in history and history of ideas.
She has elected to pursue a career instead of carrying out royal duties, but has not decided exactly what she wants to do.
Even if Beatrice secures a full-time job she will still have to undertake a number of royal engagements each year.
She is also expected to continue her charity work, giving her support to Children in Crisis and the Teenage Cancer Trust.
Beatrice lives in a four-bedroom apartment in London’s St James Palace with her boyfriend of five years, Virgin Galactic businessman Dave Clark.
A Black Saturday fire-fighter who kicked his former partner in the head so hard it blinded her in the left eye will keep his Royal Humane Society Certificate of Merit, despite the trauma caused to his victim and the feelings of his fellow fire-fighters.
Paul Francis McCuskey, 41, of Reefton, in rural Victoria — who is currently serving a five year, six month prison sentence for a series of assaults on his former partner — was named as a recipient of the bravery award in a Royal Humane Society ceremony at Melbourne Town Hall on February 24 for his part in the rescue of a woman and her animals during the Black Saturday bushfires.
A statement from the Royal Humane Society of Australasia, seen by The Weekly, said that the role of the society was to bestow bravery awards on those who risk their lives to save others, disregarding all past and future actions.
“In the case of Mr McCuskey during the ‘Black Saturday’ bushfires he most certainly did put his life at risk on that day to save the life of another person,” the statement read.
“It has never been the role of the Society to judge award nominees on their probity either prior to or after their act of bravery.
“The rescuer’s probity is not considered relevant to their actions of bravery unless the rescuer was involved in reckless behaviour initiating the cause of the incident/rescue.”
As a result, the society Court of Directors decided that Mr McCuskey’s reward would not be withdrawn.
CEO of the Women’s Domestic Violence Crisis Service Deb Bryant says this decision sends a conflicted message to the public about domestic violence.
“Violent men often present an acceptable and even admirable public image,” she says. That makes it extremely difficult for women to escape the violence for fear they won’t be believed.
“I think to give this man a bravery award, particularly because the violence was so vicious, is counter-productive and obscures the seriousness of his crimes.”
McCuskey’s fire-fighting colleagues agree. “I’m not going to stand up and fight for him,” says CFA captain Dan Bennett, McCuskey’s former commander.
“As far as we are concerned, he’s a scumbag and he’s where he deserves to be. What we’re disappointed in that it’s taken the shine off the award for the rest of the crew.”
McCuskey pleaded guilty two years ago to a series of attacks on his former partner.
In one assault, he punched and kicked the pregnant woman in the stomach, only stopping after a friend intervened.
In another he dragged her from their bed and kicked her in the head, leaving her bleeding and in terrible pain. She lost the sight in one eye. Doctors said the woman suffered injuries similar to those usually seen only in high impact car accidents.
Your say: Do you think a man convicted of serious domestic violence should be given a bravery award?
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Guy Sebastian and his wife Jules have welcomed their first child – a baby boy named Hudson James Sebastian.
Born March 3, 2012 and weighing 2.8 kilos, Hudson made his twitter debut after Sebastian tweeted a series of images of him saying “I’m in love” and “He’s a little dude”.
The X Factor Judge, who has been with his high school sweetheart wife Jules for 17 years, has received messages of congratulations from fellow celebrities including Dannii Minogue and Beyoncé.
Clearly excited about his new arrival, Sebastian tweeted: “Thanks for all the kind words re Hudson, he’s not very good at tweeting yet but asked me to pass on this; “waaaahhh wahhhhhaaaahhwahhhh”.
Flick through the series of Twitter pictures Sebastian has posted here.
Teenage girls are under more pressure to have sex than ever before, so it’s time to stop judging and start helping them, writes Jordan Baker.
Few things are certain in adolescence, but there’s one thing upon which teenage girls agree: pubic hair is out.
“Everyone shaves. Everything,” says Sydney 16-year-old Anne*. “If you’ve left it, you are classified as disgusting. You’d be embarrassed for the rest of your life. Boys would pay you out, call you hairy. People start shaving in Year 7.”
They know, or think they know, a few other things, too. That oral sex doesn’t count as sex. That sending nude pictures via text or Facebook is the new flirting. That boys their age watch porn regularly and demand from their girlfriends the sexual menu they see online — hairless, surgically enhanced bodies, “girl-on-girl action” and much, much more.
They are learning from the 21st century’s version of sex education class, the internet; a more enlightening and forthcoming source than nervous parents and teachers. Yet these lessons are a dangerous mix of misinformation and distorted images of sexuality, which is contributing to behaviour that can leave young women with deep psychological and physical scars.
Teenage girls are under more pressure to have sex than ever before. The good news is we can help them through it, although that requires a few lessons of our own.
It’s human nature to judge adolescents by our experience — it wasn’t like that in our day, we scold. Yet for once, we are right — it really wasn’t like that in our day.
For one thing, girls are becoming women earlier than they used to. In the past 20 years, the age of menarche (first period) has dropped from 13 years to 12 years and seven months, and as many as one in six eight-year-olds have periods.
Children with “precocious pubescence” can start menstruating at five or six. Reasons range from better nutrition and obesity to the breakdown of the family unit.
“When dads aren’t around, they’re more likely to move into puberty earlier,” says parenting expert Michael Grose. “If it starts earlier, I imagine this would mean they are beginning to be sexually active earlier.”
In the past 60 years, the age at which girls lose their virginity has dropped from 19 (when many women were married in the 1950s) to 16, but many start much earlier.
Dolly magazine’s 2011 Youth Monitor found 56 per cent of teens first had sex between 13 and 15 years old, a figure backed up by an Australian study that found the age of girls’ first sexual experience ranged from 11 to 17 years, with a median age of 14.
Most worryingly, there has also been a marked increase in unwanted sex, an experience that can have a long-term effect on how a woman feels about herself and her sexuality.
“The main reasons are being too drunk or high and pressure from a partner,” Dr Mitchell says. “Alcohol [consumption] has gone up over time, too, and it’s intimately connected to their sexual behaviour.”
Rates of sexually transmitted diseases are rising, especially among 15- to 19-year- olds; in 2008, slightly more than 25 per cent of all chlamydia infections were in the 15- to 19-year-old age group and girls were diagnosed at three times the rate of boys.
These are just the statistics; the anecdotal evidence is more frightening. Michael Grose says there is a casual attitude to oral sex. “I’ve heard stories from teachers of oral sex occurring at school,” he says.
“My generation went behind the shed and had a smoke. It’s been put to me that oral sex at school is like smoking. That’s extreme, but I think extremes explain the norm.”
This doesn’t sound unusual to 16-year-old Anne. “Oral sex happens a lot. It’s before losing your virginity,” she tells The Weekly. “I had a 16th birthday party and apparently two people were doing it on my front lawn.”
The situation is so dire that sex education expert Debbie Ollis last month called for all students to receive porn education at school.
Research shows most children have viewed explicit content online before their 11th birthday.
Therefore, Ollis argues it is vital for all children to take special lessons to enable them to understand and critique what they see on the internet.
“Somehow, we’ve got to prepare them to be able to deconstruct and understand what they’re seeing and to realise that most of those images aren’t the reality of life,” she told the Geelong Advertiser.
“The internet is being used as a sex education tool without the expertise of an educator or more appropriate content to teach kids about intimacy, about desire, about safety, all those sort of issues.”
names have been changed.
Read more of this story in the March issue of The Australian Women’s Weekly.
Your say: Do you think 11-year-olds should be given porn education lessons?
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