I’m not afraid of spiders, snakes or sharks.
Admittedly, they don’t thrill me and I’d be none too impressed if I were to bump into them (particularly the latter two), but I waste no time or energy thinking about the chances of this happening (statistically speaking, pretty darn slim).
Speaking in front of hundreds even thousands of people doesn’t worry me overly. Live TV and radio – a doddle. Swooping magpies – couldn’t care less.
Yet a ringing phone makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up and a knock on my front door causes me to freeze in panic.
That’s not the end of the world, of course. I can let the phone go to voice mail and ignore the banging at the door if I must.
Yet I have another fear and it’s one that has begun to significantly impact my life. I am terrified of learning to drive.
The truth is, you don’t have to drive. There’s no law against being without a licence and I live in the city, so public transport isn’t an issue. At least, it wasn’t.
Indeed, when I was 20-odd, riding the bus was perfectly appropriate, not to mention easy. Doing so, now, as a 41-year-old single mother with two small children, plus their school bags, ice-creams and books, and not quite dry but very precious glittery pasta creations, is neither appropriate nor easy.
In fact, it’s quite the opposite.
Being a single mother isn’t the only reason I need to learn to drive, although it’s a solid one. The other reason is that my family is pet-friendly and, at last count, our home is shared with four chickens, two cats and a dog.
I mention this because it’s tricky holding a dying animal in your arms and trying to work out which bus goes via the emergency vet. And, other than that, I’d like to be able to get up early on a weekend, toss my boys into the car and go find ourselves an adventure.
So, I have made a decision. It’s time for me to look my fear in the eye.
That may sound as though I feel quite brave, but the truth is even writing that makes my throat close up a little.
Determined I am, but the fear doesn’t seem to be dissipating. If anything, it’s getting bigger.
Psychotherapist Susannah Paterson says this is a perfectly normal response. “It’s normal to feel fearful or anxious before doing something important. Mountaineers are good examples, they use fear to help stay safe,” says Susannah. “But they don’t let it stop them achieving their goal.”
Susannah also points out that avoiding the things that frighten us does little as far as easing the fear is concerned. Indeed, if anything, avoidance does the opposite.
“When someone is anxious or phobic, the more they avoid their fear or phobia, the bigger it grows,” says Susannah.
Given that, I’m hereby stating my intention. I intend to confront my fear and give driving a try.
If I get overwhelmed, I plan to take a few minutes each day to remind myself of super scary things I’ve done in the past, then focus on how well they turned out.
If they didn’t turn out so well, at least I can think about the fact I survived!
This is a tip from child psychologist Belinda Jones of The Quirky Kid Clinic in Sydney, who has young clients keep a “brave book”.
In this book, the children write about things that scare them and also about what happened afterwards.
“It’s a great way for kids to look back and see that they coped, despite being frightened,” says Belinda.
“With the help of a parent, they can see that they’ve faced scary situations in the past and they’ve survived them, maybe even handled them really well. That knowledge can ease the fear.”
I’ve packed a decent amount of living into my 40-plus years and faced my share of scary stuff. My mother, Maureen, battled breast cancer (scary), my ex-husband left me with two very small children (scary) and my bank balance presently sits at minus $87 (super scary).
Yet, strangely, I feel – indeed, I know – that all will be well.
That as long as I do the right thing on both a global and local level, things will turn out okay.
And the same goes for learning to drive.
I plan to face that fear soon. I’ve given myself a schedule (another tip I picked up) and will get my L-plates before the month is over.
I will then pony up for private lessons before begging my friends to teach me when they can spare the time.
I’m not certain this will work. And I have no doubt getting behind the wheel for the first time will be confronting as heck, but I plan to do it. And I’m hoping that reading this will help you feel more confident about tackling your fears, too.
Simple ways to feel the fear and tackle it
1 ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEAR Just doing so may be enough to turn your terror into excitement. “Many times, just acknowledging that you have a fear and then taking action in the face of it can be exciting and exhilarating,” says Mark Victor Hansen, co-author of Chicken Soup For The Soul (Health Communications, $13.95).
2 VISUALISE YOURSELF FACING YOUR FEAR AND HANDLING IT WELL “Quiet yourself, close your outer eyes and open your inner eye,” says Mark. “You can see with the inner eye the way you want life to be.” Try visualisation before sleep at night or first thing in the morning. “At those times, you’re relaxed and in a receptive mood, so it’s easier,” he says.
3 TAKE BABY STEPS There’s no need to throw yourself in the deep end, says psychologist Anthony Gunn, author of Be Confident (Penguin, $16.95). “If you’re fearful of socialising, don’t start by going to a big party alone,” he explains. “Try eating lunch in the staff cafeteria rather than at your desk. Build up from there.”
4 BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF Think how you would treat a frightened friend and treat yourself the same way. “You wouldn’t be nasty to a child who was fearful,” says psychotherapist Susannah Paterson. “Don’t do it to yourself either.”
5 YOU’RE NOT ALONE Everyone is afraid of something. Some of us are just better at hiding it than others.
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